this sells paper towels??

is it me, of is this weird? cuz i think it's weird. and creepy. and... really creepy. (and yet, at the same time, i can't stop laughing. of course it's that nervous creeped out by the weirdness kind of laugh i have when i'm... creeped out by the weirdness!) but maybe i'm wrong. (besides, they can't be serious, can they?) check out innocent escapes and lemme know what you think.

by the by, i found the above link on ze frank's website... which is, i should point out, neither weird nor creepy. in fact, this song is one of my all-time favorites (since A.D.D is alive and well and rampant in this household).

bobo's fine.

not that you've been asking about him, lately. wait a tick... why haven't you been asking about him lately??? don't you care about our precious little bobo banjoey (the dog not the blog)?? i'm mean, come on! he's been battling an ear infection since january and we've all been out of our minds with worry. all of us, that is, but you. yeah, i'm talking to you. you there sitting at the kitchen counter in those fuzzy blue slippers and tattered terry bathrobe. you with the toussled-ratty-bed-hair and remnants of last night's makeup still smeared across the corners of your mouth (that nars flaming dust was a great color for you last night... but the morning after? not so much). you go on now... just finish up with that crossword puzzle and/or stale banana nut muffin. zap that final cup of luke warm coffee in the microwave and check your e-mail... call madge, edith, and luanne. immerse yourself in the latest gossip of the day. but, whatever you do, don't give the bobo another thought. you just let us worry about him while you get on with your busy/important/not-worryin'-about-the-bobo day. really. he's fine.

"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful." ~ Ann Landers

it's official...

meredith is a whore. (or a slut... i can't remember quite what i decided last week. but whatever i said? that's what she is.)

just so you know, i came to this conclusion after watching my mommy and daddy watch another episode of grey's anatomy last night. in this one, meredith come-to-mama grey, that formerly-cute-now-not-so-much surgical intern/whoreslut broke the spirit/heart of tender surgical intern/teddy-bear, george i'm-a-man-i'm-a-boy-i'm-a-boyish-manboy o'malley, by allowing him into her bed/panties, only to crush his crush on her by bursting out in tears as he was making -- what i can only imagine he believed to be -- sweet sweet love to her. mid-act, no less! according to mommy, there are words for women like that... and i think those words are... slut and/or whoreslut. from what i understand, screwed up bitch might work, as well.

meanwhile, back at the mcdreamy ranch... mcdreamy's brilliant/whoreslut of a doctor wife somehow managed to expose her... um... va-jay-jay* to poison oak. poison oak. down there? aren't these people supposed to be smart? reallyreally smart? so smart they're fabulous doctors? and wouldn't smart/fabulous doctors be smart enough to know better than to squat over a patch of freaking poison oak when taking a morning pee break in the great outdoors? apparently not.

as long as i'm on the subject of mcdreamy's brilliant doctor/whoreslut wife (and, in case you got here mid-blog, i am), not only is this character supposed to be smart, when we first met her, she also seemed...classy. sophisticated. heck, she's from new york city, for chrissake. so maybe this is just me, but how weird was it that she spent the better part of last night's episode laying on a hospital bed with her legs spread-eagle as her friend/patient/colleague examined her/told her the rash was (giggle) poison oak/treated her/left her with legs firmly planted in the stirrups in order to rush out/rush back with mcdreamy in tow, so he'd be able to see for himself how sorry his slutty wife was for sleeping around with his best friend (guess you had to see the episode to understand the kharmic reasoning here). yeah, i'm pretty sure her red-rash-enraged-va-jay-jay is gonna make him drop trou. sigh.

at the risk of making this post so freaking long you'll start vomitting cotton, i do have one more programming note. you see, the other tv hi-light last night for mommy and daddy was the dancing with the stars finale. yes yes, i know. that seems more like a pathetic low-light on mommy and daddy's even-more-pathetic to-do list of weekend activities, but what the hell. they liked it. they thought it was fun. heck, they were even happy that cute little drew you're-so-adorable-and-we-lovelovelove-your-cute-li'l-dance-partner-cheryl-too-and-we're-sorry-about-your-brother-nick's-divorce-but-what-the-hell-happened-to-jessica's-lips-anyway?-oh-but-we-digress lachey was the grand winner! but what in-the-name-of-all-that's-holly-hunter happened with the voting that meant stacy oh-my-god-those-legs-that-body-thos..ack!-get-your-hands-off-my-neck-i-only-have-eyes-for-you-and-i-promise-to-stop-oggling-her-i-can't-breathe-please-honey-thanks-that's-better keibler wound up in 3rd place? huh? she got screwed. seriously, jerry was-a-great-football-player-but-isn't-such-a-great-dancer-in-fact-he-really-can't-dance-for-shit rice put on a very nice routine last night, but i'm pretty freaking sure he didn't deserve to beat out stacy, any more than he deserved to beat out poor lips lisa rinna, who really got screwed last week. come to think of it, lips lisa got screwed twice; once by the stupid people who didn't vote for her and once by the doctor with the bicycle tire pump, who over-filled those giant lips of hers (think lisa and jessica simpson use the same tire pump doctor?)

oh my! what have i done here? this is just the kind of long-ass post i'd hoped to avoid today. sigh. no wonder i'm so exhausted, this is a shitload of worms! i'm guessing no one's gonna be too upset if i forego mommy's little basement adventure, right? (tho', if your eyeballs haven't dried up right there inside your skulls, you're welcome to read about that fun fiasco here.)

* mcdreamy's whoreslut/doctor wife, addison, didn't really get poison oak on her va-jay-jay, because (and you'd know this if you'd ever read mommy's sister's book) the va-jay-jay is on the inside of a woman's body, kids, inside! but the writer's of grey's anatomy seem to like that term, better than, oh say the va-vohl-va, so i used it, too. but seriously if the poison oak and her va-jay-jay ever came in contact with each other, she'd be hurtin'... big time. big. time. but since it's just a crummy tv show -- albeit a show called grey's anatomy, about smart/fabulous doctors and/or surgeons (details) and was watched by more people than any other show last week--i'm sure the incorrect anatomical labeling is no big deal.

"If you read a lot of books, you're considered well-read. But if you watch a lot of TV, you're not considered well-viewed." ~ Lily Tomlin

huh? when did dennis miller...

...stop being funny? seriously. mommy and daddy were watching him on some hbo special last night, and i don't think they laughed out loud even once. this is weird, 'cuz in the past they would always laugh and laugh and laugh when ever they watched him. so, what's happened to his funny? did it go away because denny's become a mouthpiece for the so-called bush administration? no. (tho' i'm guessing that doesn't help) no... a right-leaning comedian can still tickle a left-leaning funny bone, so it can't be that. here's what i think: i think it's just that dennis miller's simply... not funny anymore.

and that, my friends, would almost be funny, if it wasn't so sad.

"There's no doubt about it, show business lures the people who didn't get enough love, attention, or approval early in life and have grown up to become bottomless, gaping vessels of terrifying, abject need. Please laugh." ~ Dennis Miller

dalai bobo's...

...thought for the week

We are formed and molded by our thoughts. Those whose minds are shaped by selfless thoughts give joy when they speak or act. Joy follows them like a shadow that never leaves them. ~ Buddha

one picture...

is worth a thousand worms. at least that's what i've heard. and i sure hope so, since i'm several thousand worms short of having anything worth writing about today. it didn't help that daddy (who never seems to be at a loss for good worms of his own) complimented mommy on today's new post, which was, in fact, the post from yesterday, which meant, in fact, that daddy hadn't really read that post yet, which forced mommy to conclude, in fact, that it wasn't worth the headache involved to come up with something new/clever for today when the only one who allegedly reads this thing on any kind of regular basis (i.e. daddy) is, in fact, probably not gonna read it any time soon, so what's the point? ipso facto... there is no point. which means, i have nothing to say.

therefore, in lieu of worms, here are some reallyreally cute pictures of me, bobo, max... and maxxy (mommy's sister's puppy--who is adorable) just to give your eyes something to do.

bobo was still a pup here, can ya tell?

see what i mean about that goofy max?

bobo & max chillin' outside

dalai bobo

(one of mommy's favorite pics)

happy to be me.

cute li'l maxxy

damn. he really is cute!

such a face!

(kind of looks like an ewok... only cuter)

precious bobo

gorgeous max

(sometimes i guess he does look pretty)

moi

"When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem." ~ Edward Abbey

funny funny funny.

that's all. as far as i'm concerned, this is just funnyfunnyfunny. and i think it will be to anyone who is already and/or will soon be a new parent. heck, it should be funny to even those of you who were new parents a long time ago, (like mommy, who actually laughed her ass off) * ** ***

* if you're a regular daily show (hands down the best show on the tv) viewer, chances are you've already seen this piece.

** when the window opens, if the video doesn't start right away, click on the part that says "enter now" ( you can do that, can't you?)

*** made ya look! hahahahahaha! (what? you thought i was joking in my earlier post about the crazy pills i must be taking? are you new here?) actually... heh heh... as long as you are here, i was thinking that if you've yet to jump on the colbert report bandwagon, you really should. tho' worried in the beginning that he'd wind up in tongue-in-cheek conservative-talk-show hell, stephen colbert's dry humor has won mommy and daddy over, big time. to find out why, check out his "official" website, colbert nation. much like the colbert report, it's silly-yet-smart and very freakin'-funnyfunnyfunny.

programming note. actually, this was a programming not. as in "guess what the tivo did not record last night"...

remember when daddy told you that mommy was forced to watch dancing with the stars when she went to visit her sister in new brownexico? and how worried he was about mommy's slide back into the pits of reality tv hell? and how daddy decided to go along with mommy's viewing choices just to keep her company on the couch? well, last night's show was the final competition between the top 3 couples, featuring wwe diva stacy cute-as-a-button-with-the-most-amazing-and-longest-legs-we've-ever-seen keibler; football great jerry you've-made-so-many-pretty-catches-from-passes-thrown-by-joe-montana-but-you-still-can't-dance-for-shit rice (you're fun to watch, jerry, but ya really didn't belong in the finals and lisa lips rinna did... but i digress); and former 98 degrees boy-band-boy baritone drew you're-so-adorable-and-we-lovelovelove-your-dance-partner-cheryl-oh-and-we're-sorry-about-your-brother-nick's-divorce-tho'-we-suspect-he'll-be-better-off-without-her lachey. in case you've yet to notice, mommy and daddy have invested no small amount of time to this stupid show since they started watching a few weeks ago. so the fact that, due to some bizarre and completely annoying programming error, tivo only recorded the first hour and a half of the show... which meant mommy and daddy got to watch everything but the final everything-and-or-anything-goes dances of the three finalists was, to say the least, a problem. now, this may not seem like a big deal to you, but mommy and daddy were... freaked out inconsolable distressed upset miffed mildly disappointed. good thing they're not so involved they're actually voting for their personal favorites, 'cuz then, they would be pissed.

they really do need help.

save us jeebus!

since daddy's already spent two whole days writing about the boys and their (new) girlfriends and the questionable sleeping arrangements and the fact that this safe haven we call home has been turned into a den of iniquity, i'm basically left with nothing to write about. that's right, i've been rendered speechless wormless--not to be confused with being free of actual worms, which of course, i am...

no, for those of you who don't know, i use "worms" to represent those things that come out of your mouths--or fingers--that form sentences that form paragraphs that form statements and/or speeches. which means you can be speechless when you are, in fact, wormless. and if you've ever seen/enjoyed the movie roxanne with steve martin (someone we lovelovelove) you know just what i'm referencing when i say worms as opposed to words. and if you haven't seen roxanne with steve martin (someone we lovelovelove) what's wrong with you? don't you like steve martin? we lovelovelove him! what's he ever done to you except make a couple of really stupid movies in recent years, that are far beneath his gigantic talent.

oh, and speaking of gigantic talents, according to a deleted section in mommy's sister's book (which we have happily mentioned and/or borrowed from several times in the past few months), steve martin (someone we lovelovelove) apparently has one--if you catch my drift (and if you don't, what's wrong with you?). now, steve martin's huge talent is not the only reason we lovelovelove him, but it certainly makes him a bit more, um...er...intriguing, doncha think? (no? seriously, what's wrong with you?) speaking of huge talents and/or dr. terri's fine/insightful book, maybe some day i'll tell you who else is on that deleted list of talents "living large".

uh... huh. hmmmm. you know what? i just realized i have no freaking clue what any of this is about... (what the hell is wrong with me?) apparently my attention deficit disorder is alive and running rampant in my head again, rendering me... senseless. i'm sure it's a carry over from yesterday's brain eating episode, or, possibly, from the crazy pills i seem to be taking. either way, it's probably best if i bid you all adieu for now, in hopes of regaining my senses and/or worms... which ever pops into my head first. t.g.i.f.

"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face." ~ Bern Williams

just so wrong...

so very wrong. on so very many levels. still, at least it's now (almost) officially wrong. is it just me, or should this law have been in effect... oh... say... forever??? no wonder my head hurts.

the day that ate my brain

by sophietoes

it started early... and everything went downhill from there.

the end.

"Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night." ~ Charles M. Schulz

oh me.

all. morning. long. i. have. been. trying. to. write. something. it. has. not. been. going. well. and. there. will. be. hell. to. pay. for. those. responsible. for. thwarting. my. efforts. trust me, toes. may. be. lost.

yep. this morning i was all hey, i'm gonna slam this thing out today so i can get on with my life and then max was all barkbarkbark let me out before something i don't know about yet scares me. so mommy let him out. and i was all alrighty then, let's get going! and max was all barkbarkbark let me in i think there's something scary out here and i may be in danger. so mommy gets up and lets max back in. long story short, this little scenario has played out at least 6 or 7 times over the past 2 hours, which, in and of itself wouldn't be quite so bad, but, between those exchanges, mommy's had to contend with boy #1 (aptly described as chatty arbuckle in an earlier post) offering non-stop running commentary on everything from vice-president dick-face cheney to which movie will be better to see with his girlfriend before taking her out to see brokeback mountain. should they watch once upon a time in the west or open range? or would it be better to see something funny like oh brother, where art thou?, or how 'bout the sting? decisions decisions defreakaingcisions. i'm not sure how much more of this i can take.

ahhhh... finally. the boy has left to pick up his girlfriend (tho' he never did select a pre-movie movie), max is quiet, and i finally get to relax a bit. sweet sweet silence is so golde....ack! aiieeeeeeeeeee! what in the wide wide world of sports did i just hear?? we're out of what? greenies? greenies?? gree-f*cking-eenies??? again? lord help us all. that's it. you can stop reading now, 'cuz i'm gonna stop writing. go on! go get yourself a cup of coffee, grab a snack, do a load of laundry, smoke 'em if ya got 'em (but not around me because so-help-me-god-i-will-bite your toes). i'm getting ready to kick some major mommy butt, after which, i expect my mommy will be dashing off to the pet store to buy what? anybody? anybody? that's right, kids, gre-e-e-eenies. and please, don't worry, cuz i will come back after i've had my ... ahem... fix. oh yes, i will. and then i'll tell y'all about the girls that boy 1 and boy 2 met and are dating/may be dating/please dear god let them be dating, and why i'm ever-so-hopeful they're nice and why that would be a welcome change from the former girlfriends that boy 1 and boy 2 dated a couple of years ago who turned out to be royal psycho-bitches from the pits of hellish hell. it's a really good story. well worth the wait.

"I like to reminisce with people I don't know." ~ Steven Wright

merms?

i've been waiting for this day. i've been waiting for the excuse to write another post on sex ed. 101 (ish). and now, thanks to last night's episode of house (such a good/interesting show), i can.

last night's plot twist? a lovely nubile teenage supermodel passes out on the runway and is rushed to the hospital where house and his band of jolly house-wannabes discover the model is 1) addicted to heroin 2) sleeping with her daddy, and 3) anatomically... a guy. sort of.

now, i don't know about you, but i think the first question that comes screaming to the front is this: how often do such things happen in real life (as opposed to tv life which is never really quite like real life in any way, shape or form)?

brace yourhappynaiveselves for the answer, kids, because, according to researchers who research such things, it's yes. in fact, it happens about 1.7 percent of the time. that's 1.7 babies out of 100. are you shocked? (and what, exactly, does .7 of a baby look like, anyway?)

of course, if any of you had read mommy's sister's book, skin flutes and velvet gloves, a collection of facts & fancies, legends & oddities about the body's private parts, you would not have been surprised in the least. but then, most of you did not read this book, nor did you take the veryveryverysmart dr. terri's human sexuality courses in college when you had the chance. (tho', since her classes were among the most popular courses ever, lots of you actually did!) but, back to those of you who didn't read the book and/or take one of her classes... i wanna know, what's wrong with you? don't you want to be as smart as all the other boys, girls, and intersexuals on the playground? sigh. why do i bother?

as most of you do know (whether you took any of the classes and/or read the book) a child's gender is traditionally identified by the person handling the delivery duties at a baby's birth. it's a boy! or it's a girl! are the 2 most anticipated declarations a new parent waits to hear... but if that delivery-assisting person looked closer, perhaps the announcement might sound more like this:

hmmmm. this child has both testes and ovaries. it's a herm!

or: this child has testes and some female genitalia but no ovaries. it's a merm!

or: this baby has ovaries and some male genitalia but no testes. it's a ferm!

boys, merms, herms, ferms, and girls. those are the real gender distinctions. see it's not just about the X's and the Y's, since there are XX boys and XY girls, which, truth be told, only really matters in the olympics (yep, they test for it). as for house's assertion last night that the he/she model had long lean limbs, soft curves, and perky breasts, along with a peaches 'n cream complexion because he/she was a ... er he/she? that's true.

yes, true. which means... boys & girls, manymanymany supermodels you admire--and wish to emulate and/or date--are probably not unlike the aforementioned supermodel on house, in that they are of an ambiguous gender or, if you prefer... intersexual. (was olive oyl intersexual? how the hell should i know? i only put that picture in 'cuz, if you're anything like me, your eyes started crossing after the 2nd paragraph of this post, and i was hoping to give you something to look at besides all these goddam worms.)

for those of you whose eyes have yet to cross, are ya in the mood for a little more gender specific brain pain? okay:

every male has a remnant of a vagina which appears as a tiny tag of skin on the lining of the bladder. it's called "vagina masculina", which, i suppose, takes the girly aspect out of it.

and speaking of vaginas, out of every 4000 female babies born each year, approximately 1 is born without one. (but then, 1 in 100,000 males babies is born with a "diphallus" or double penis, so, go figure.)

there. that should hold ya until i get around to telling you more. when will that be? i dunno. maybe csi will do an episode involving mirkins. or law order: criminal intent will toss around impressive genital-related terms like automonosexualism, or pedomentia, or my personal favorite, bugf*cker (a term mommy and her sister have ascribed to a certain television critic they don't like in chicago, but i'm pretty sure that's another story for another day).

"You can't have a period, Stan, because you are a man... with titties." ~ God [during an episode of South Park where Stan tries to "get his period" and accidentally grows breasts]