my bad...

dear lips lisa rinna. i'm writing to say i'm sorry. why? because i don't think i was very kind to you a >few days ago<, and now that you've been eliminated from dancing with the stars, i feel sort of guilty. of course, compared to losing to jerry makes-pretty-catches-when-the-passes-come-from-joe-montana-but-gee-he-really-can't-dance-for-shit-tho'-he-sure-seems-to-be-having-a-lot-of-fun-trying rice, my mild critism of your overly voluptuous mouth is hardly a big deal, but still, my bad.

lisa rinna, you got ripped off. big time. and i don't know why. maybe the voters were just so mesmerized watching your mouth (can she move those things? is it hard to breathe with them pressing up against her nostrils like that? is her center of gravity effected at all by the load she's carrying on her face?) they failed to notice your handy... er... footwork. but mommy and daddy noticed, and they thought you were awesome! and adorable. mostly. well, except, maybe for your lips, cuz, you know? they're big. really big. reallyreallyreallyreallyreally big. seriously. you don't need those big lips to look good. i mean, you have that amazing figure, for godsake. mommy hasn't had abs that flat since... well, now that she thinks about it, she's never had abs that flat. but who can appreciate your toned body when your gigantic lips cast such an enormous shadow over it? lisa, listen to me, i know what i'm talking about here. make your fans and/or viewers who like you even if they're not actual fans happy, please, and let some of the air out of those floppy things. not all, just some. well... most. okay... all.

thanking you for your time, and in sincere hopes you'll be gracious enough to accept my apology, i remain yours very truly,

sophie

"If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?" ~ Lily Tomlin