d'oh!

i thought i was, perhaps, the only one amused/appalled by the whole vice president richard "dick-face" cheney shooting scandal, but, after reading this, i see i was wrongwrongwrong. which means, of course, that, by now, everything that can be said about the incident probably has been said. sigh. that means i have nothing much to talk about today. what to do? what to do? what to do?

when i'm in a situation like this, it's always tempting to just close up the old post-it window and, er, not post. but, that just doesn't seem right. instead, and because i need to laugh right this very minute, i've decided to share some of my most favorite homer simpson quotes of all times (some but not all). hopefully they will succeed in bringing a smile to your face, as well. (actually, i don't care if they do or if they don't, i know i'm laughing my ass off at the moment, and, isn't that all that really counts?)

homer simpsonisms

1. When someone tells you your butt is on fire, you should take them at their word.

2. There is no such thing as a bad doughnut.

3. There are many different religions in this world, but if you look at them carefully, you'll see that they all have one thing in common: They were invented by a giant, superintelligent slug named Dennis.

4. You should just name your third kid Baby. Trust me--it'll save you a lot of hassle.

5. You can have many different jobs and still be lazy.

6. Be generous in the bedroom--share your sandwich.

7. I've climbed the highest mountains . . . fallen down the deepest valleys . . . I've been to Japan and Africa . . . and I've even gone into space. But I'd trade it all for a piece of candy right now.

8. I made a deal with myself ten years ago . . . and got ripped off.

9. I may not be the richest man on earth. Or the smartest. Or the handsomest.

10. Never throw a butcher knife in anger.

11. A fool and his money are soon parted. I would pay anyone a lot of money to explain that to me.

12. My favorite color is chocolate.

13. The hardest thing I've had to face as a father was burying my own child. He climbed back out, but it still hurts.

14. If the Flintstones have taught us anything, it's that pelicans can be used to mix cement.

15. Son, when a woman says nothing's wrong, it means everything's wrong. When a woman says everything's wrong, it means everything's wrong. And when a woman says that something *isn't* funny, you'd better not laugh your ass off!

16. [drunk] See, the thing about my family is there are five of 'em: Marge, Bart, girl Bart, the one that doesn't talk, and the fat guy. Oh, how I loathe him.

17. Maybe, just once, someone will call me "sir" without adding, "you're making a scene."

18. Kids, just because I don't care doesn't mean I'm not listening

19. Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you?

20. Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try. Feeling stupid? I know I am.

21. Homer: You know, when I was a boy I really wanted a catcher's mitt, but my dad wouldn't get it for me. So I held my breath until I passed out and banged my head on the coffee table. The doctor thought I might have brain damage. Bart: Dad, what's the point of this story? Homer: I like stories.

22. Greetings, friend. Do you wish to look as happy as me? Well, you've got the power inside you right now. Use it, and send one dollar to Happy Dude, 742 Evergreen Terrace, Springfield. Don't delay. Eternal happiness is only a dollar away.

23. This is Homer Simpson, aka Happy Dude. The court is making me call everybody back and apologize for my telemarketing scam. I'm sorry. If you can find it in your heart to forgive me, send one dollar to Sorry Dude, 742 Evergreen Terrace, Springfield. You have the power.

(these next few quotes are dedicated to your vice-president and mine, richard "dick-face" cheney...has anyone ever noticed that if vice-president dick-face cheney ever lost weight he'd look a heck of a lot like mr. burns?)

Homer: When I held that gun in my hand, I felt a surge of power... like God must feel when he's holding a gun.

Homer: I'd kill you if I had my gun.

Homer: This gun has made me lose everything... my family, my friends, everything but my precious, precious gun.

Marge: You lied to me Homer. You told me you got rid of the gun. Homer: But Marge, I swear, I never thought you'd find out.

Homer: Lisa, if I didn't have this gun, the King of England could walk right in here and start pushing you around. [Homer starts pushing Lisa around] Homer: D'you want that? Huh? Do ya? Lisa: No...

Homer: I don't have to be careful. I have a gun.

* * * * *

and for fun... here are just a few more. (i promise)

Homer: How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy that gives those sermons in church? Captain What's-his-name. We live in a society of laws, why do you think I took you to see all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well I didn't hear anybody laughing. Did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Vroom. Beep. Honk. Honk. Ha-ha. Where was I? Oh yeah, stay out of my booze.

Dr. Joan Bushell: Every day I get up at 5:30, watch the chimps, eat a quick lunch of roots and water, then more chimpwatching. After dark, I come home and think about chimps until it's time for bed. Homer: You must be the most boring woman on Earth!

Homer's Brain: Use reverse psychology. Homer: Oh, that sounds too complicated. Homer's Brain: Okay, don't use reverse psychology. Homer: Okay, I will.

Homer: People will think what I tell them to think when you tell me what to tell them to think.

Homer: [Praying heavenward] I'm not normally a religious man, but if you're up there, save me, Superman!

Homer: [driving and singing to the tune of "The Flinstones" theme song] Simpson. Homer Simpson. He's the greatest guy in history. From the town of Springfield. He's about to hit a chestnut tree. Ahhhh! [crashes into the tree]

Homer: Save me Jeebus!