dont. want. to. talk. tv.

but it can't be helped.

my mommy and daddy are very pathetic. i don't think that can be emphasized enough. i mean, they do stuff outside of sitting on the couch and watching really stupid television programs, just not so much in the evenings. the thing that annoys me greatly about this practice is the fact that i am often left to observe them observing really stupid television programs. take american idol (please). mommy made daddy watch it again this season after they successfully avoided doing so last year... mind you, daddy fought as valiently as a man who falls asleep while watching his favorite tivo'd shows can fight, but it wasn't enough. for another year, he got sucked into the visual abyss that is: american idol.

my question is this: if they have to watch this freaking stupid show, then, america, what the hell is wrong with you?? can't you people vote for better singers than that kevin kid? i'm sorry, he's cute (in a nerdy, bless-his-heart-he-has-a-nice-voice-but-oh-my-gawd-what's-up-with-that-nerdy-lisp scrawny little kid kind of way) but he has no business standing on that stage. if we're looking for the next american idol (and, apparently we are) is there anyone this side of the appalachians who thinks young kevin is it? no. there is not. in fact, as far as i'm concerned, for lord knows it would make this living television hell that is our night life better, the producers should just cut to the idol chase and get down to the business of identifying the only folks who can and/or should win. in my most humble of opinions, here's what that looks like:

1. kevin -- sayanara nerdy kid... nice try, don't let the screen door hit ya on your way out. and for godssake, don't blow up anything in your chem class next year.

2. katherine -- buh-bye

3. melissa -- might've heard ya sing...don't remember. far as i can tell...see ya, wouldn't wanna be ya

4. bucky -- your name is bucky and you have those teeth. you tell me.

5. paris -- adorable as you are, you are a 17 year old girl channeling dead jazz singers (singers we happen to love, mind you, but that's beside the point) and not quite well enough to win. adieu.

6. lisa -- are you really 16? because you're voice is amazing and we're veryvery impressed. you won't win. but you're veryvery impressive.

7. elliot -- you are a fantastic singer. you will not win.

8. taylor -- when you channel joe cocker you totally rock! we love you. but there is no way in hell you'll get to win. your hair is gray, for godssake. 12 year old girls don't like that.

9. chris -- you rule. but you should have been on rockstar, dude, because you won't win idol. still, mommy & daddy like you best of all, and they'll be happy when you make your first album...heck, they'll probably download your stuff to their ipods.

10. mandissa -- girl. you are fabulous. don't think you'll win, but you are fabulous.

11. kellie -- cute as a button on a hello-kitty cardigan. you might win. probably not. but...maybe.

12. ace -- your name is ace and you're so pretty and everytime you stand up on that stage paula wets her pants. our money's on you. you're not the best singer, but... you're sooooo pretty.

there. can we all just get on with our lives now? wouldn't that be nice? of course, mommy and daddy do have other big viewing plans this weekend, but i just don't think i can talk about 'em right this minute... if you're curious (and, if you are, why? i mean, what part of "my mommy and daddy are very pathetic" don't you get?) you can check out daddy's blog... [here]. as for me... well, i don't know if you've noticed, but the sun in shining, and it's supposed to be a balmy 64 degrees outside today--which means i'll probably stay inside and take a nap in my favorite spot on the couch.

"If you surveyed a hundred typical middle-aged Americans, I bet you'd find that only two of them could tell you their blood types, but every last one of them would know the theme song from The Beverly Hillbillies." ~ Dave Barry