it's only coffee...

non-stupid-coffe-order-related update: 8 march 2006 @ 6:44pm e.s.t.

let the games begin president bush... the dubai/ ports/ controversy ball is in your court. [read here] (score one for the good guys?)

[the following post was actually done 8 march 2006, @ 4:23 pm e.s.t.]

okay, maybe it was a triple-grande-soy-no-whip-mocha, the point here is that mommy was really looking forward to it. really. looking forward to... it. so imagine her chagrin when she pulled up to the curb outside her local starbucks, boy #2 hopped out to go purchase aforementioned beverage, and finally came back almost 15 minutes later... with the wrong drink.

didja get everything? she asked as he climbed back into the car.

i got something but not what i thought it was that i asked for he replied

what? i don't even know what that means she responded, for, in fact she didn't know what that meant.

huh? oh, i mean i asked for one thing but they gave me something else and when i told them it was wrong they said "that's not what it says here on the cup" so i took it.

no no no no. that's not okay. i need that mocha, and, with god as my witness, i will have that mocha, even if i have to make the f*cking thing myself.

so, mommy hopped out of the car (an act that, in and of itself, pissed her off, because the whole point of taking boy #2 to starfreakingbucks in the first place was that he was gonna do the hopping out/walking in/ordering of the thing. but--once again--i digress.) soooo... mommy hopped out of the car, walked back in to the store, waited her turn, and politely told the girl in dreadlocks (which mommy thought were cute) at the counter what she needed, then proceeded to give the f*cker ass dumbshit guy mixing the coffee confections her actual order. he smiled, and said to mommy but someone wrote "c" (for caramel) on the cup, to which mommy, also smiling, said then someone wrote it wrong. so the guy smiled and steamed the soy milk, and smiled as he spooned froth on top and smiled as he drizzled a little chocolate on top, and smiled as he handed the cup to mommy and told her to have a good day. mommy walked out, patting herself on the back for standing up for her mocha-craving self, hopped back into the car and drove off. then she took a sip.

okay. i know what a triple-grande-soy-no-whip-mocha tastes like, and i'm pretty freaking sure this isn't it. she handed her cup to boy #2, who took a sip

what the f*ck? this tastes like shit.

mommy teared up. the only thing she had wanted at that moment in life was a delicious triple-grande-soy-no-whip-mocha, and, instead, she got a cup of shit. she drove around the block, pulled up to the curb outside her local starbucks, hopped out of the car--cup in hand (veryvery pissed, 'cuz, remember, this is hop-out-of-car-part-deux) and went back inside. eventually she caught the eye of the f*cker ass dumbshit guy, who said (smiling) something wrong?

well, you tell me mommy said handing the cup to the guy. i don't think this tastes like a triple-grande-soy-no-whip-mocha. i think maybe ya not only forgot the extra shot of espresso, but you forgot to put the syrup in, as well. which, basically makes this steamed soy milk.

the guy took the cup, took a sip, and at first looked at mommy like okay, i guess i'm gonna have to indulge this delusional bitch but then mommy noticed a funny look cross his face so she asked did i make that up? no, he said smiling sheepishly, it's not quite right. (for, of course, it wasn't. it was a cup of over-steamed soy milk with a little froth and drizzle added in for effect. it was, in fact, shitty.)

to make a long story a little longer, after much steaming and mixing and frothy panache, mommy finally got her drink. at least the soy-no-whip-mocha part of it. a second sip and quick peek at the side of the cup told mommy that the f*cker ass dumbshit idiot guy had forgotten to add in the extra shots of actual coffee. mommy just shook her head, smiled, and walked away muttering her favorite line from the mel brooks film, high anxiety: that guy... gets no tip!

the end.

author's note: when mommy got home, she took a bite of boy #2's starbucks snickerdoodle cookie, only to discover it was so stale she had to spit it out. then, after mommy finished her drink, she developed crippling gas pains, which told her the drink had been made with milk, not soy, after all. when mommy can walk again, she's going to go back to starbucks, kick some inept starbuckian ass, and take names later.

(quick non-starbucks-crappy-coffee-related note to miss jom... don't worry! pictures are coming! pictures are coming! when? dunno... but, trust me, pictures are coming!)

A morning without coffee is like sleep. ~ Author Unknown