long night... longer post

woo boy... i'm exhausted. can you tell? i realize this picture can't do justice to the bags under my eyes, but, trust me, they're there.

i know what you're thinking, why is that adorable little sophietoes tired? (didn't know i could hear ya thinking, did ya?) well, last night/early this morning, boy #2 had a bit of a crisis. apparently he and betty (his new "girlfriend") had had their first lover's quarrel over something that was his fault. normally, any healthy, strapping 6'5" 21 year old guy would suck it up, apologize, and move on -- especially when the argument was over a freakin' board game, for crissake -- but boy #2 is not exactly that kind of a guy. he struggles with rejection issues. he's highly emotional. and he's damaged goods, thanks to the psycho bitch from the pits of hellish hell who shall henceforth be known as: succubus. so let's talk about her, shall we? let's talk about the psychotic train-wreck of a woman who not only ripped the fragile innocence out of boy #2, but served it up on a platter with fava beans along with a nice chianti.

[before i begin, i would like to state, for the record, that boy #2 has had very little experience in the ways of women. veryveryvery little. someday i'll explain some of those dynamics, but for now, all you need to know is this: he hasn't been "around" much.]

succubus was introduced to the boy through a mutual friend. the fact that this friend, mommy and daddy later learned, is emotionally challenged, and as such, heavily medicated, and, at 29, lives in his parent's basement (where he will probably remain well into old age) should have been a clue that his friends might be of questionable ilk... but, i digress. overall, it seemed the first "date" went relatively well. so much so, that before letting her drop him off, (he wasn't driving yet), the boy brought succubus into the house to "meet the folks". and she seemed... fine. oh, mommy and daddy weren't crazy about the fact that she was 27 (the boy was 20) and they found her attire somewhat disconcerting (a way too short skirt and low cut skank tank top) but, despite the fact that she looked like white trash someone who needed fashion guidance, there were still lots of smiles and nice-to-meet-ya's, after which, the boy then walked her out to her car. five minutes later, boy #2 came back into the kitchen and burst into tears, for succubus had told him she "couldn't see him anymore", because he was "too intense". he reminded her, she said, of an old boyfriend. and old boyfriend who had "raped her" and "beaten her" on "several occasions". huh? mommy and daddy were confused. and so, i hasten to add, was the boy.

that night, however, b#2 and succubus had a marathon phone conversation about the whole stinkin' "you're too intense/i can't see you anymore" mess, (i'm pretty sure 6 hours constitutes a marathon) and, according to the lad, they had successfully resolved their issues. issues? they had issues? after one date? yes, said the boy, he had apparently reacted to something she'd said in a voice (a voice!) that made her feel uncomfortable, which then stirred up feelings of the thing at the place with the guy. hmmm. mommy and daddy thought that was odd, but, hey, the boy was happy, so they decided to be, too.

two days later, the boy broke down again, and told mommy that succubus had just told him to get lost. she needed a "real" man, she said. someone who could stand up for himself. someone a succubus like herself could respect. (there's a lot more to this, but i think you get the idea... it was a lengthy verbal barrage of everything she -- a "succubus" -- thought was "wrong" with the boy).

do i really need to continue? i mean, everything i've just described happened in the first week -- the FIRST week -- and continued for several months. during the course of their "relationship", boy #2 drove his brand new ford escape into a tree, punched a hole in a wall in the basement, destroyed a concrete planter on the front walk, and developed a taste for marijuana. every other day, it seemed, some new drama ensued. and it was ugly, folks, reallyreally ugly.

finally, when mommy and daddy honestly thought they could take no more, succubus did herself in. after a fit of unfounded jealousy, she told the boy he had given her std's (yes, plural). what?? he had never been with anyone but succubus! but she claimed to have been diagnosed with no fewer than 2 std's, so mommy took the boy to the doctor, who took an enormous amount of blood to do a whole bunch of tests, only to discover that the boy, in fact, did not have a thing wrong with him. what did succubus have to say when he reported this news? oopsies... her doctor had just called and told her the clinic had "mixed-up" the reports, and that she, too, was actually fine. it was a veritable festivus miracle!

fortunately, after that little bit of ugliness, boy #2 threw succubus out on her scrawny crack-whore-slutty ass. unwilling to allow her-scrawny-crack-whore-self to be tossed any too fast, however, she pulled out what, she thought, was her ace in the hole (no pun intended). she told the boy she was... pregnant.

yep, even tho' they had not had sex in weeks (have i ever mentioned to you how open and honest the boy is with mommy and daddy? even when it comes to his... er... um... sex life? even tho' mommy and daddy wouldn't mind in the least little bit if the boy felt the need to keep a few things to himself?) succubus said she was pregnant with his child. bizarre really, since b#2 had confided in mommy a few weeks earlier that he had allegedly "hurt" succubus in a moment of intimacy, because of a condition she learned she had called p.i.d.* -- in fact, he had hurt her so badly, she told him, she had to have her mother take her to the emergency room. and it was all his fault, because he wanted to have sex with her. even tho' she had been the one to initiate things, she claimed she had only agreed to "follow thru" because she thought he wanted her so badly and she didn't want to "hurt his feelings" (i think this is the kind of thing she calls "rape", tho' i can't be sure). whatever. as a result of this careless act of passion, she wound up being "horribly injured". so much so, the doctor said they had to stop "doing it" for an indeterminate amount of time. fast-forward to the a-few-weeks-without-sex later statement "i'm pregnant", and, needless-to-say, boy #2 called her bluff. so... she proceeded to call him and/or mommy and/or daddy a colorful variety of names (why mommy & daddy? because she's a psycho-bitch from the pits of hellish hell, that's why). the good news? succubus went away, and has not been heard from since.

all this to say, succubus did a major mind-f*ck on the boy, the extent of which mommy only truly realized last night. it broke her heart to see how vulnerable her youngest child was, as he sat on the couch and helplessly sobbed into his sleeve. mommy was worried about the boy, and actually wondered if young betty would be willing to help him work through his first relationship crisis in over a year (that's how long it's been since he kicked succubus to the curb). in the wee hours of this morning, mommy found out that, not only was betty willing, she was able. for of course this story has a happy ending (for now). the boy and betty kissed and made up, mommy went back to bed, and peace and quiet were restored to our humble little abode. and if the boy and/or betty know what's good for their respective toes and/or asses, they'll make goddamn sure it stays that way.

*(for any of you who don't know about pelvic inflammatory disease, suffice it to say that it most often involves an untreated s.t.d. that eventually causes scar tissue in the uterus, fallopian tubes, and other reproductive organs, which, in turn causes pelvic pain and/or infertility. not always... but most often. which is why that psycho bitch from the pits of hellish hell we call succubus was most assuredly not pregnant.)

"Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I." ~ Oscar Levant