and you thought you were clumsy...

i was just reading 4this story3 (on cnn.com) about a guy that tripped in a museum and managed to smash not one, not two, but three chinese vases from the qing dynasty. how embarrassing would that be? i mean, you're trotting along, nice as ya please one minute, and, next thing ya know, yer trippin' on one of yer own shoelaces and whammo! you've single-handedly demolished several priceless antiques in a matter of moments. whoa.

well kids, that story, along with posts about clumsiness on a couple of mommy's favorite blogs (sweetney -- who's little bunny girl actually took a nasty tumble) and miss ann thrope -- who's husband actually posted a hilarious story about a...er... um... nasty tumble-ish mishap involving, but not limited to, a stuck window and some blinds), got me thinking about a few silly mishaps mommy's had over the years... okay okay... actually, it was these tales of real and/or imagined clumsiness coupled with the recent miss america pageant that actually sparked this rumination, if you really have to know (and, apparently you do).

suffice it to say that mommy is, in fact, clumsy. clumsy in the juggling of eggs that fall to the floor because she doesn't know how to juggle clumsy. clumsy in the carting through the grocery store and jars of spaghetti sauce/ strained carrots/ pickles/ salad dressing slip out of her hand and fall/break in the middle of the aisle clumsy. clumsy in the trying to iron the collar of a shirt while it's on her actual body and burns her chest leaving a mark in the shape of the iron in a spot easily viewed by anyone interested in viewing such things clumsy. so, basically, she's pretty clumsy. what? you ask...you mean there's more?.... oh yes. just let me count the ways (the ways that tie in with the clumsy/beauty pageant theme i kind of decided to go with here)...

1. while participating in a local beauty/talent pageant in her long-forgotten-youth, mommy caught the heel of her shoe in the hem of her gown, and ripped and tripped her way down the ramp. her turns in front of the judges were a wonder to behold i wonder why she decided to run in this pageant? one judge was overheard to say. i wonder if she's ever worn high-heels before, said another. i wonder how she's gonna do in the state pageant, since those idiot judges still allowed this graceless cow to win! muttered the disgruntled parent of one of the loser contestants...

2. mommy sang her little heart out, and won the talent competition at the state pageant. she did not win the poise and/or swimsuit portion of the contest, and she told a somewhat questionable joke to the judges in her interview. nevertheless, she was invited back to perform again the following year.

3. for her big performance the next year, her older sister (sometimes referred to, by her other two sisters as quirky, for reasons that will in no way be apparent here, and puh-leese don't tell her, 'cuz it'll only hurt her feelings) made mommy a lovely outfit of satin and some kind of organdy-ish material (i have no idea what organdy is... just try to picture something flow-y and you'll get the idea). it was a fetching little number, too... really cool wide legged hip hugging pants paired with a cleavage-enhancing halter top (this was in the 70's, mind you... so, overall, it was kind of risque for the day). mommy felt very special in her outfit, and hoped her performance would be memorable. it was. mommy totally rocked a crowd of around 1500 people. rocked 'em right up to the last note, for which she took in an extra gulp of air to ensure she'd hit and sustain the very last note of barbra streisand's "sweet inspiration". only, when she took that last, dee-e-ep breath, both hooks on the back of her halter top popped, rendering mommy... topless. in a state pageant. a televised state pageant. televised in the state of california.

4. mommy got over it and, tho' she was never invited to perform in that televised state pageant again, she did get to perform on big deal stages a few more times, until that one, fateful night in fresno, when she was hosting yet, another pageant. for her opening number, she planned to step onto the extended ramp from out front, by the audience, where she was then gonna belt out her song and boogie her way up to the actual stage. instead of that dynamic start, however, while trying to run past the orchestra in order to be in place when her music started, mommy slipped. long story short, she tripped and fell down on her hands and knees in a flowing evening gown, in front of manymanymany hundreds of people. she still got up on that stage, however, and she still sang. and she limped badly throughout the entire night. she did not boogie up, down, or across the stage and/or ramp. and the people laughed at her. a lot. after that, she never got asked to perform much. (that's why she joined the band).

so mommy's had more than her fair share of clumsiness related mishaps, and, thus far, she's none the worse for the wear. in fact, and, in conclusion (oh, and thank god for that because this post is starting to be a real pain in my ass and i'm pretty freaking sure it's time for me to go to bed) mommy's quite certain none of her careless -- albeit embarrassing -- flips and/or flops could ever top the dumb-ass kill me, kill me now clumsiness of... 4this guy3.