It's Good to be the Puppy

stop me if you've heard this one...

2006-04-08T20:10:00.000-04:00

yeah, baby! that's right! i am done with the move! i know i've been tellin' ya about it for quite a little while, but now, it's really happened. so please... feel free to stop by anytime, day and/or night! m'kay? 'cuz i might get lonely if you don't! here's the address, in case ya forgot:

http://puppytoes.typepad.com

seriously, please come for a visit... bobo wants to see you, too! even max might like to see you, as well... but, then ya have to ask yourself... do you really want to see him? (tee hee)

still moving...

2006-03-22T08:30:00.000-05:00

slow, i know... but hey, i'm all by myself here... so, y'know, it's not easy! anyway, please check out the links on my sidebar, and, by all means come see me at my new address -- pardon the mess, tho', cuz i haven't finished unpacking! and, yes, feel free to bring a snack, this is really hard work and, to make matters worse, i can't seem to find my greenies!

hello? did i mention...

2006-03-21T12:11:00.000-05:00

...i'm moving??? if so, did i mention i'm moving because blogger is sucking the big suck these days and, try as i might, i cannot load up pictures and/or post the actual shit i want to post? and, did i also mention that my new address is puppytoes.typepad.com? and that, even as we speak, over there i'm talkin' about all kinds of stuff today involving birthdays/tattoos/silliniess?? good. so...um... why are you still here??

sopranozzzzz...

2006-03-20T13:37:00.000-05:00

[i know what you're thinking and you couldn't be more wrong. unless you're thinking, gosh, what a cute little puppy, because then, of course, you're right! but for anyone who thought i changed my mind about moving? i am. but i haven't added my "favorites" (and you know who you are) to the side-bar of my new blog yet so i thought i'd keep posting on both sites until the move is "complete". but, make no mistake, i'm moving... oh yes. i am moving.]

last night, i had a dream. in this dream, i wasn't the glorious/fiesty little puppy girl you all know and love, i was the mild-mannered whimpy boy max that some of you love but who is a royal pain in my glorious/fiesty little puppy girl butt, which, of course, has nothing to do with my dream, but needed to be said. anyway, in this dream, i didn't know where i was, but i think it was a kennel of some sort. (me? in a kennel??? that's a laugh! to know me and/or my mommy and/or my daddy is to know that would never happen...)

in this dream, a guy named tony soprano came into the cage i was sitting in and tried to steal my akc papers because, and i quote, "my show's turning into a dog... at least with these papers i can say it's still worth a lot of dough". i got up off the pillow i was resting on, walked slowly over to where he stood, and, because i was max, lifted my back leg and pee'd all over his big fat foot. then he started to cry. and i laughed and laughed and laughed.

now, i can't be sure, but i think i had that dream because mommy & daddy were less than impressed last night with the 2nd episode of a show they've described in the past as pretty freaking ball kickin' awesome! last night, it was, apparently, sort of freak-ee but not so much ball-kickin' and/or awesome. for a true "overview" (i.e. "daddy's review-ish rant") of last night's episode of the soprano's (along with his thoughts on that sluttywhore, meredith, on grey's anatomy) check out bobo banjoey.

i hope the sopranos gets better... mommy and daddy have so few joys in life, and, sadly, most of 'em seem to be tied in to a handful of television programs. i've said it before, but it does bear repeating... pity them. i know i do.

now, as long as i'm on the subject of television (and i am) i have a little tv related question: what in the wide wide world of sports is up with tom cruise?? i read this, and all i can say is he scares me. gotta love south park creators matt stone and trey parker tho'--mommy wonders how long before they do an episode (or film) called "the million-year war for earth" featuring tom cruise. i figure the kids will lure him back in stan's closet (maybe feature george "i did not write that blog" clooney, again as sparky, stan's gay dog) lock him (tom "i am a scary scary man" cruise) in, and throw away the key. (not a bad idea, really)

scientologists... can't live with 'em, can't make fun of 'em.

"Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television." ~ Woody Allen

dalai bobo's...

2006-03-19T08:44:00.000-05:00

...thought for the week: can be found [here]

since i still can't load pictures up on blogger... that's going to become my permanent home soon--i'm moving now, and hopefully i can make it "official" in a few days! (oh, what am i saying? i can pretty much make it official right now...but i won't. these things must be handled delicately... ish.)

serenity now...please?

2006-03-18T08:42:00.002-05:00

...please? pretty please?

lord grant me serenity to accept the things i cannot change... before i go on a freaking rampage and bite off someone's toes!

i mean, i'm just one precious little puppy-girl and the only problem i should ever have to confront is how to get mommy and/or daddy to give me more treats. on the other hand, blogger seems to be having problem after problem after problem and it's just too freaking much! so i think i'll work on the "treat problem" aspect of my day and let those ~~nimrods~~ guys at blogger work on the ~~sh*ttyf*cky~~ crappy "blogger/blogging problems" aspect of their day, and hope that, somehow things are magically "fixed" by tomorrow.

in the meantimeif ya want something good/fun/more interesting to read, why not check out daddy's blog? i know that's what i'm gonna do! i'd also like to suggest ya check out some of my favorites listed over there on the sidebar, but guess what? there's nothing in my sidebar (unless there is ...like everything else this changes every 5 minutes... )!! did i not just mention the freaking problems i'm having with stupid blogger today?? sigh i'm sorry. there's no need for me to get snappish here, just because my stupid little blog has looked even more stupid for the past 3 (count 'em three) days... apparently the side bar is yet, another part of the ~~f*cky~~ annoying blogger/blogging/blogf*ck glitch that's giving me/those ~~nimrods~~ guys such a headache right now. i swear to all that's holly hunter i'd bite toes, if i thought it would do any good. but it won't, so i won't.

"Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining." ~ Jef Raskin

aieeeeeee!!!

2006-03-17T15:05:00.000-05:00

i've fallen into a bloggy-vortex (again) and i can't get out!!! send help! and please, send help soon!!!!

either that's what's goin' on here, or blogger hates me and that's why they keep screwing with my stupid little website. stupid blogger. screwing with my stupid website. trapping me in a bloggy black hole. makin' my blog look ... stupid.

was it something i said?

2006-03-17T13:31:00.000-05:00

yeesh! i feel like i've just come out of a coma. now, i know i'm not the only one on blogger to feel this way, but, damn! nothin' like trying to log on and being denied access to your own account. like being told you're "under maintenance", and then being "under maintenance" for 2 whole freaking days. was i broken? did i spring a leak somewhere? were my emissions over the level deemed healthy for human consumption? is there something i can take for that? am i going to be okay? will i live? should i notify my next of kin? make out a will?

sigh. and, since blogger has such lousy blog-side manner, i may never know what's up with... me.

"I wondher why ye can always read a doctor's bill an' ye niver can read his purscription." ~ Finley Peter Dunne

george clooney did not write this blog.

2006-03-16T08:11:00.000-05:00

what a difference a couple of days make. turns out i'm really glad i didn't post the...er... post i wrote two days ago, because there's been a *new development* worth ~~exploring~~ ~~discussing~~ ~~mentioning for the purposes of filling space here~~ noting.
it all started with isaac hayes, so it's his fault, really, for leaving south park. because i started writing about that and found myself kind of rolling with a whole south park-related theme when i made an extremely clever segue into a comment about george clooney and how he wrot...wait a tick! why explain things now when i can just as easily post the post i didn't post two days ago? what a great idea! why didn't i think of that before? (why am i asking you?)

>> okay, so the following is part of the un-posted post from 14 march 2006 (just pretend you understand, it'll make things easier):

...now, as long as i'm on the subject of south park (and i am) remember how george clooney did the voice of sparky, the gay dog? that was funny.

speaking of george clooney...(how's that for a segue?) i think i mentioned in my oscar overview last week, that mommy and daddy are bigbig fans... more so since mr. clooney stopped "being" the sexiest man alive--they've always thought he was so much more than just another pretty face. they really appreciate his abilities as an actor and as a director. that said, even tho' mommy and daddy like george clooney because he's talented, they like him best because he's smart and outspoken. and never more so than when he wrote about his liberal leanings on the huffington post yesterday. (the huffington post is a finefinefine political blog, by the way, especially since arianna huffington, like boy #1, has seen the error of her conservative ways and is now a card-carrying liberal. gosh we like it when that happens!)

actually, mommy thinks george clooney has always shown his liberal colors, even back when he did that voice work for south park. remember when i mentioned that a minute ago? wasn't that funny? why am i mentioning it again? because i need to segue back to south park, since, as i said at the top, it's my "blog theme" for the day. (funny how i made that happen, huh? not funny like when george clooney did sparky's voice, but still...)

>>now this is where i continued with another totally cool south park related thing i'm not gonna continue with now because A) i don't want to, B) okay so i did, and you should click on it 'cuz it's fun, and C) i need to say this:

apparently george clooney did not write that blog!! (the 1st clue? the words "i did not write that blog..."). after reading that article, mommy went back to read the blog he wrote/didn't write, and, instead, found this. what does it all mean? nothing, really. i mean, george clooney didn't write the blog, but he does stand by the statements he made that were in the blog that he didn't write. feel better? i know i do.

"The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them." ~ Lenny Bruce

amerifreakcan idol...

2006-03-14T22:27:00.000-05:00

yeah... i see you looking at that date up there, but no, smartypants, i didn't mess up... i actually did write this post last night (tuesday) so daddy (who's out of town) could have something to read (especially since he didn't get into his room in time to see american idol). then i realized that A) he didn't have access to a computer last night and B) he doesn't really care about this crap any more than i do, so i went to bed, thinking today i'd just use the rest of the post i wrote yesterday (but couldn't because stupid blogger wouldn't let me load up any pictures). continuing with my flawless logic, i then figured i could save this idol crap for tomorrow, and enjoy the fact that i'd be free from actual blog topic pressure for almost two whole days! sweet, huh? but then mommy saw on the news that starbucks is giving away free coffee today from 10-12 (didja hear about this, busymom? i'm guessin' you did!) and all my blogging plans were suddenly shot to blogger hell. i don't have time to tweak yesterday's post for today so i guess i'll just use it tomorrow. and use last night's... today. this all makes sense, right? no? well, guess what? i don't care!

lordy. it's been a long night. 2 hours, to be exact. two long hours watching the contestants on american idol sing stevie wonder songs. mind you, mommy loveloveloves stevie wonder, but she's had some experience singing his stuff, and says it's reallyreally difficult to perform, which tonight's idol contestants proved, with very few exceptions. so let's get to the gettin', and score this puppy, shall we? time's a wastin' and i need to go to bed:

1. ace: ace. baby. sooooo pretty. keep smiling that pretty smile of yours, and for godssake, don't sing any more stevie wonder songs. nice touch with the tears after meeting stevie, tho', you definitely have that sincerity thing down. paula almost had an orgasm just looking at you. did i mention how pretty you are?

2. kellie kellie kellie kellie: you probably won't go home this week, but don't ever sing a song like that again, k? otherwise someone's gonna have to come out there and bitch slap you off the stage.

3. elliot: for cryin' out loud el-lee-ott! you have a wonderful voice, but you mustmustmust stop singing such boring songs. or, stop singing songs in such a boring way...or... whatever. stop it.

4. mandissa: you are a fabulous singer. most of the time. not tonite.

5. bucky: i'll say this for you, bucko, you claim you'd never heard a stevie wonder song before, and yet you sang superstition exactly the way joe cocker did--if his name had been bucky and he had those teeth and that southern accent. not bad. but, y'know somethin' bucky? i'm not sure it was a good sign when simon asked you about your jessica simpson hair-do. guess that was a hair-don't huh?

6. melissa: you forgot the lyrics? i'm thinkin' you can forget idol.

7. kevin: what is your freaky deal, little man? you scare me. you so do not belong on this show, and yet, i'm guessing you'll make it through another week. but watch your nerdy little ass, kevster, those 9 year old girls can only stay up so late... the grownups will be calling in their votes long after the kiddies have gone to bed.

8. lisa: you are lovely. and you're quite the talented little vocaliast. are you sure you're only 16?

9. katherine: well kat, weren't you the special one tonight? all cute 'n sassy 'n singin' your song really well and holding on to your dress and looking ...er... cute 'n sassy? guess you'll be around at least another week.

10. taylor: the fact that you look so spazztastic when you dance is the coolest thing ever. the fact that you have such a great soulful voice doesn't hurt, either. don't dye your hair--even tho' the 12 year old girls won't vote for ya, mommy might.

11. paris: okay. your song was really good (even tho' i still think you're channeling some dead jazz singer) but guess what little girl... you don't get to sing encores just because you got a compliment or two. you just don't. trust me. it was obnoxious and it was just enough to get your ass tossed off that stage for good. i'm just sayin'...

12. chris: dang dude, you're good! mommy likes you, not just because you have such incredible stage presence, but because you remind her of the guy who did that tattoo on her ankle. daddy likes you because dang you're good! still... why are you on idol? shouldn't you be, like, famous already?

so that's my rundown, and, unless i miss my guess, we're all agreed, right? that ~~tomorrow nite~~ tonite bucky and/or melissa will be kicked to the curb? good. my work here is done.

oh, and for inquiring minds who wonder, i may or may not decide to go ahead and finish yesterday's post and use it later today... it kind of depends on how soon mommy can get that coffee and how many naps and/or treats i can squeeze in before she gets back. still, i like the idea of holding it until tomorrow. then again, i could always save it and use it day after tomorrow... or next week. the point is, i have a choice to make and a nap to take. and not necessarily in that order.

"Consciousness: that annoying time between naps." ~ Author Unknown

chef? chef??

2006-03-14T08:06:00.000-05:00

stupidcrummy blogger won't let me load up pictures today. stupidrotten blogger thinks i won't post if i can't load up pictures. stupidevil blogger was almost right. almost... stupidcrummyrottenevil blogger.

[ chef! we hardly knew ya!

mommy was little upset today, because isaac hayes is leaving one of her favorite shows, south park--meaning there'll be no more chef! no more lusty love songs in the middle of lunch! no more chocolate salty balls! no more advice to stan and/or the rest of the gang on important stuff, like, how do you talk to a girl? what's it mean to be served? how do ya get kenny's soul out of cartman? now, you need to know that i could have posted this story late last night, since that's when mommy read this article, but i was tired. besides, i figured it was just an itty-bitty blurbish story, so i figured i could take my sweet ass time. apparently i was wrong, however, because this freaking story is being blabbed about everywhere. everywhere, i tell you... everyfreakingwhere! stupid cnn. stupid internet. stupid everyone who out-scooped my stupid blog. making me look like i don't pay attention to important stories, even tho' this one really isn't, cuz it's just about a guy leaving a silly animated show--albeit a show that takes on a multitude of topics with equal zest/irreverence (including the scientology episode--allegedly the reason scientologist isaac hayes wanted to quit--which, by the way, will be airing again tomorrow nite) and features a bunch of kids who use reallyreally bad language and makes mommy and daddy laugh and laugh and laugh.

oh chef. mommy and daddy are gonna miss you. oh yeah, and they're really sorry you felt you had to leave this hysterical show because it offended your delicate religious sensibilities. ]

"Say, everybody have you seen my balls / They're big and salty brown / If you ever need a quick pick-me-up / Just put my balls in your mouth / Ooh, suck on my chocolate salty balls (Stick 'em in your mouth) / Put 'em in your mouth and you suck 'em and you suck 'em." ~ Isaac Hayes (as Chef on South Park)

soprano's, that-whore-meredith, and...

2006-03-13T09:00:00.000-05:00

the west wing! yes-siree-bob. mommy and daddy enjoyed more than a little slice of tv heaven last night, but, since daddy's already ~~blabbed~~ blogged about this stuff, i guess i won't.

ha! just kidding! if i don't make any mention of 'em, i won't have anything to write about today! no, wait, that's not quite true. mommy's been watching that ~~f*ckface~~ former fema director, the oh-so-very-narcissistic michael yer-doin'-a-heck-of-a-job-brownie brown, on c-span for the past little while, and is getting angrier by the minute. not that she doesn't begrudgingly applaud his better-late-than-never efforts to right the terrible wrongs of the post-hurricane katrina emergency response efforts, mind you, but she keeps wondering out loud (very loud) does this ~~f*ckface~~ guy ever take responsibility for anything? so far, based on her wild-eyed look and the fairly mild-yet-constant stream of obscenities coming out of her mouth, the answer seems to be holy-crap-what-a-big-douche-bag-a*sface-s*ttyf*cksh*t no. so, here's what i want to say to ~~f*ckface~~ michael yer-doin'-a-heck-of-a-job-brownie brown: point every freaking finger and toe you own, buddy, but start by pointing them at yourself. and then, if you really want to make a difference, give congress grounds to actually do something pro-active regarding the ineptitude of those you worked for. accountability is all well-and good, but, seriously dude, it starts with ... you. a**hole.

whoa... where'd that come from? yikesies... oh wait, i think i know. mommy and daddy watched the first episode of the new season of the sopranos last night... and i don't know if you know this or not, but on that show? those mother-f*ckers use a lot of mother-f*cking bad language! stupid c*cksuckers. (y'know... after you watch/listen for awhile, your vocabulary kind of becomes infused with these kinds of worms--its something i like to call: obscenity osmosis). i don't think there was a hell of a lot going on last night, basically it looked like a bunch of balding fat guys eating bad pasta/good sushi/lead. since, mommy and daddy were huge fans in the early years, i'm sure they'll keep watching, but i do know they hope the storyline moves along in a more goddamn-motherf*cking cohesive fashion than it did last night.

scariest soprano moment? for mommy, it was when janice (played by the very talented/beefy aida turturro) allowed her 18 month old baby to suckle on her rock 'n roll tongue tattoo'd teat. imagine the nightmares that kid's gonna have. (and, ps... wasn't that little time travel montage supposed to account for past 2 years? or, basically the length of time the show's been on hiatus? so then, how in the world does janice have an 18 month old baby??? is it supposed to be bobby's?? ooh ooh... is it richie's??? nah... that'd be way too creepy. right?)

moving right along... can we talk about grey's anatomy and that sluttywhoreslut, meredith? what the mcf*ck is up with her? the stupidstupidstupid slutty dope finally managed to forge a mcfriendly relationship with mcdreamy only to blow it all to mcpieces when she opened up to him about her incredibly stupid/ selfish/ slutty behavior, i.e. having bad sex with boy-george, which means that now mcdreamy knows mcmeredith is, in fact, a mcwhore. i'm pretty freaking mcsure she can now kiss her mcdream of another mcrelationship with mcdreamy... goodbye.

and, finally... i've never told you this, but mommy and daddy loveloveloved the west wing back when aaron sorkin was still writing each tasty and brilliant episode...so much so, that, when he left, they almost did, too. fortunately for mommy and daddy and/or nbc, they stuck it out through the right-leaning-crappy-story-line years and were rewarded with some pretty darn good episodes over the past year an a half. they think the producers were probably correct to cancel the show after john spencer died, because the show without leo would never be the same. what am i saying here? how the hell should i know? i've completely lost my train of thou...no.. heh heh... here it is: i'm saying that mommy and daddy enjoyed last night's episode of the west wing, (they've been wondering how long it would take before josh & donna finally started to acknowledge their feelings for each other) and they plan to savor every last hi-def moment... right through to the bitter (tho, if santos--aka jimmy smitts--wins, that'd be pretty sweet) end.

as long as i'm on the subject (sort of) i have it on good authority that mommy & daddy wish someone would hire aaron sorkin to script things for the real west wing... 'course they know that's just silly, 'cuz that would mean there'd be folks americans actually trusted callin' the shots from the white house. folks americans actually wanted to believe in. and, when called upon to do so, folks who'd actually take responsibility when they f*ck things up. in other words, it would be a west wing 180 degrees different from the one we have right now. (tho'... wouldn't that make it the east wing?)

"Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel." ~ John Quinton

dalai bobo's...

2006-03-12T09:21:00.000-05:00

...thought for the week

"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned." ~Buddha~

another frabjous day!

2006-03-11T15:32:00.000-05:00

caloo! callay! wow... is this weekend off to a good start, or what? yes. yes it is. in fact, it was so gorgeous outside, daddy took us all out for another fun festive frolic in the front yard. and we had a fabulous time! but now i'm too dang tired to write anything clever and/or interesting. fortunately for me, however, mommy came out with that stupid camera of hers and managed to take a few snapshots. of course, mommy is a terrible photographer, i mean, most of the time her pictures are out of focus because she forgets to wear her glasses. and sometimes, because we all hate having that stupid camera pointed at us all the freaking time, we run away from mommy, which means mommy not only takes out of focus pictures, she gets lots of out-of-focus pictures of our collective butts. poor mommy. when will she learn?

never-the-less, since i'm just too pooped to care, i'm gonna use mommy's crappy out-of-focus pictures anyway. enjoy! or not... (did i mention a lot of 'em are out of focus?)

bobo always likes to start out sniffin' around the bushes...why?

because they're there.

once he's finished with that it's off to explore...something. anything.

i, too, am in search of something. anything! actually, what i really need is a good place to scratch my back!

ahhhh! that's just the spot...

okay...now i feel better. time to have some fun. so...where's bobo?

oh that bobo...running over to bark at the stupid dog next door, again. it just never gets old... (what's up with that?)

i started to chase after bobo, but i had to stop, because, look at the way he's hopping over to the fence... see how his two back legs are up? he's runs like a bunny! tee hee!

what a hoppy boy! (bad pun, sorry)

see max. see max run. see max run from all things scary. like me. and the camera. stupid sissy-girly-runnin'-away-from-scary things max.

and, yet, he's a pretty boy, on a good day.

(like today, i guess)

once again fuzzybutt did not get to go outside. fuzzybutt doesn't want to go outside. fuzzybutt wants to sit on daddy's desk and yip at daddy and/or mommy (depending on who's sitting there). he is fuzzybutt, therefore, he yips. stupid fuzzybutt. yipping. and sitting on daddy's desk. not going outside.

okay, ya know what? running commentary is all well and good, but now i'm tired of loading pictures, and, quite frankly, i'm flat out of worms... so, y'know...

that's all she wrote.

Jumping for joy is good exercise. ~ Author Unknown

dont. want. to. talk. tv.

2006-03-10T08:42:00.000-05:00

but it can't be helped.

my mommy and daddy are very pathetic. i don't think that can be emphasized enough. i mean, they do stuff outside of sitting on the couch and watching really stupid television programs, just not so much in the evenings. the thing that annoys me greatly about this practice is the fact that i am often left to observe them observing really stupid television programs. take american idol (please). mommy made daddy watch it again this season after they successfully avoided doing so last year... mind you, daddy fought as valiently as a man who falls asleep while watching his favorite tivo'd shows can fight, but it wasn't enough. for another year, he got sucked into the visual abyss that is: american idol.

my question is this: if they have to watch this freaking stupid show, then, america, what the hell is wrong with you?? can't you people vote for better singers than that kevin kid? i'm sorry, he's cute (in a nerdy, bless-his-heart-he-has-a-nice-voice-but-oh-my-gawd-what's-up-with-that-nerdy-lisp scrawny little kid kind of way) but he has no business standing on that stage. if we're looking for the next american idol (and, apparently we are) is there anyone this side of the appalachians who thinks young kevin is it? no. there is not. in fact, as far as i'm concerned, for lord knows it would make this living television hell that is our night life better, the producers should just cut to the idol chase and get down to the business of identifying the only folks who can and/or should win. in my most humble of opinions, here's what that looks like:

1. kevin -- sayanara nerdy kid... nice try, don't let the screen door hit ya on your way out. and for godssake, don't blow up anything in your chem class next year.

2. katherine -- buh-bye

3. melissa -- might've heard ya sing...don't remember. far as i can tell...see ya, wouldn't wanna be ya

4. bucky -- your name is bucky and you have those teeth. you tell me.

5. paris -- adorable as you are, you are a 17 year old girl channeling dead jazz singers (singers we happen to love, mind you, but that's beside the point) and not quite well enough to win. adieu.

6. lisa -- are you really 16? because you're voice is amazing and we're veryvery impressed. you won't win. but you're veryvery impressive.

7. elliot -- you are a fantastic singer. you will not win.

8. taylor -- when you channel joe cocker you totally rock! we love you. but there is no way in hell you'll get to win. your hair is gray, for godssake. 12 year old girls don't like that.

9. chris -- you rule. but you should have been on rockstar, dude, because you won't win idol. still, mommy & daddy like you best of all, and they'll be happy when you make your first album...heck, they'll probably download your stuff to their ipods.

10. mandissa -- girl. you are fabulous. don't think you'll win, but you are fabulous.

11. kellie -- cute as a button on a hello-kitty cardigan. you might win. probably not. but...maybe.

12. ace -- your name is ace and you're so pretty and everytime you stand up on that stage paula wets her pants. our money's on you. you're not the best singer, but... you're sooooo pretty.

there. can we all just get on with our lives now? wouldn't that be nice? of course, mommy and daddy do have other big viewing plans this weekend, but i just don't think i can talk about 'em right this minute... if you're curious (and, if you are, why? i mean, what part of "my mommy and daddy are very pathetic" don't you get?) you can check out daddy's blog... [here]. as for me... well, i don't know if you've noticed, but the sun in shining, and it's supposed to be a balmy 64 degrees outside today--which means i'll probably stay inside and take a nap in my favorite spot on the couch.

"If you surveyed a hundred typical middle-aged Americans, I bet you'd find that only two of them could tell you their blood types, but every last one of them would know the theme song from The Beverly Hillbillies." ~ Dave Barry

the boy

2006-03-08T09:02:00.000-05:00

posted 9 march 2006 @ 3:15 pm e.s.t. (not that it matters, right?)
woohoo! finally...i manage to load up pictures! yay! hooray! yippee!

2 days ago, i tried putting up a small post in honor of one of the boy's good friends, jom, a lovely/ talented/ brilliant young woman currently pursuing academic excellence in england (bravo, jom! oh...if only the boy would get his academic ~~shit~~ act together in order to figure out what he wants to be when he grows up! kidding...i kid! mommy and daddy know the boy will figure it out when he figures it out...and not one freaking nano-second sooner!) anyway, since jom's family is in thailand, and she's pretty much all alone there in merry-old-england, mommy decided jom might need to feel the love from america (whether jom likes it or not... hee hee!) so she asked me to put up a few more pictures of me, bobo, max, fuzzy, and the boy.

but before i do that, i wanted to clear up something. i'm sure you've been wondering why i keep referring to the boy as ... the boy, (you have been wondering that haven't ya?) i mean, he is 25, over 6' 1", and has a deepdeep voice, so, technically, he's a man. well wonder no more, because i'm going to explain it to ya right this very minute. i call him the boy, because that's what mommy calls him. the end.

ha ha! just kidding! i mean, that is what mommy calls him, but there's a bit more to the story. see, it started as an inside joke between mommy and the boy after they bonded over a daily dose of the simpsons for several years (thank goodness for syndicated programs, right?) for anyone who doesn't know...homer rarely calls bart bart, most of the time he calls him boy or the boy. this always cracked mommy up, and thus, a tradition was born. albeit a tradition stolen right off an animated show. poor poor mommy. isn't she pathetic? but wait! she gets worse.

when the boy was in his last year of high school, mommy used to leave little cartoons for him next to his box of cereal, in an effort to "communicate" with him early in the morning. this was necessary because the boy got up at 5am and mommy never got up before 6. overall, the drawings were pretty lame... but, i guess the boy enjoyed them, since they usually referenced something from the simpsons. here's an example of the type of stellar artwork/humorous creative writing mommy employed back then...

in case it's too hard to read, it says:

there's only ONE thing to give a rude boy who won't do his dishes or kiss his beloved mother "good-night"...

nothing

pretty dang silly, don't ya agree? yeah, i thought you might. nevertheless, mommy and the boy have always enjoyed a good relationship with each other, despite her silliness and/or his brief brush with conservatism (don't get me wrong, they do argue, but, for the most part, they laugh and laugh and laugh). and they still love to watch the simpsons together (and south park... what can i say? mommy's a fan of silly animated shows. someday i'll tell ya about the stuff she watches with the other boy (boy #2) on adult swim. she freaking loves it!) okay, now i'll stop talking, and get on with the "slide show". but, speaking of the simpsons... i've provided a link at the end of this post that mommy thinks other simpson fans might enjoy...

but first... those freaking pictures i've

been promising jom for the past 2 days!!

silly brothers

silly, loving brothers

silly, loving, scary brothers

bobo & the boy

oh goody. i'm 25 and i got me a purple monkey.

now my life is complete.

dalai bobo ~~takin' it easy~~ ponders the

"meaning of life"

mr. fuzzlewoth looking his usual

pissed-off self

help! i've stuck my head in a... a...

what the hell is this thing, anyway?

and how the hell do i get out???

daddy tickling my tummy

(ain't i the fluffy one?)

that boy cleans up real good, don't he?

okay, as promised, time now for you simpson fans to check out the simpson's-related link (it's a very clever video) i stole off dave barry's blog. i'm pretty sure no one's using it right now (things move pretty fast over there), so i doubt dave'll mind too much, but, just in case, let's not blab about it, m'kay?, 'cuz his minions are really, how shall i say this?, possessive of all things dave, and i would never want to piss any of 'em off...(they scare me). thanks! oh, and jom, i'm sorry i don't have more pictures for you today, but i hope the ones i've posted will help put a smile on your pretty face and, maybe keep ya from feeling too homesick for your own family (including your 3 cats)

"Boy, everyone is stupid except me." ~ Homer Simpson

it's only coffee...

2006-03-07T09:55:00.000-05:00

non-stupid-coffe-order-related update: 8 march 2006 @ 6:44pm e.s.t.

let the games begin president bush... the dubai/ ports/ controversy ball is in your court. [read here] (score one for the good guys?)

[the following post was actually done 8 march 2006, @ 4:23 pm e.s.t.]

okay, maybe it was a triple-grande-soy-no-whip-mocha, the point here is that mommy was really looking forward to it. really. looking forward to... it. so imagine her chagrin when she pulled up to the curb outside her local starbucks, boy #2 hopped out to go purchase aforementioned beverage, and finally came back almost 15 minutes later... with the wrong drink.

didja get everything? she asked as he climbed back into the car.
i got something but not what i thought it was that i asked for he replied
what? i don't even know what that means she responded, for, in fact she didn't know what that meant.
huh? oh, i mean i asked for one thing but they gave me something else and when i told them it was wrong they said "that's not what it says here on the cup" so i took it.
no no no no. that's not okay. i need that mocha, and, with god as my witness, i will have that mocha, even if i have to make the f*cking thing myself.
so, mommy hopped out of the car (an act that, in and of itself, pissed her off, because the whole point of taking boy #2 to starfreakingbucks in the first place was that he was gonna do the hopping out/walking in/ordering of the thing. but--once again--i digress.) soooo... mommy hopped out of the car, walked back in to the store, waited her turn, and politely told the girl in dreadlocks (which mommy thought were cute) at the counter what she needed, then proceeded to give the ~~f*cker~~ ~~ass~~ ~~dumbshit~~ guy mixing the coffee confections her actual order. he smiled, and said to mommy but someone wrote "c" (for caramel) on the cup, to which mommy, also smiling, said then someone wrote it wrong. so the guy smiled and steamed the soy milk, and smiled as he spooned froth on top and smiled as he drizzled a little chocolate on top, and smiled as he handed the cup to mommy and told her to have a good day. mommy walked out, patting herself on the back for standing up for her mocha-craving self, hopped back into the car and drove off. then she took a sip.
okay. i know what a triple-grande-soy-no-whip-mocha tastes like, and i'm pretty freaking sure this isn't it. she handed her cup to boy #2, who took a sip
what the f*ck? this tastes like shit.
mommy teared up. the only thing she had wanted at that moment in life was a delicious triple-grande-soy-no-whip-mocha, and, instead, she got a cup of shit. she drove around the block, pulled up to the curb outside her local starbucks, hopped out of the car--cup in hand (veryvery pissed, 'cuz, remember, this is hop-out-of-car-part-deux) and went back inside. eventually she caught the eye of the ~~f*cker~~ ~~ass~~ ~~dumbshit~~ guy, who said (smiling) something wrong?
well, you tell me mommy said handing the cup to the guy. i don't think this tastes like a triple-grande-soy-no-whip-mocha. i think maybe ya not only forgot the extra shot of espresso, but you forgot to put the syrup in, as well. which, basically makes this steamed soy milk.
the guy took the cup, took a sip, and at first looked at mommy like okay, i guess i'm gonna have to indulge this delusional bitch but then mommy noticed a funny look cross his face so she asked did i make that up? no, he said smiling sheepishly, it's not quite right. (for, of course, it wasn't. it was a cup of over-steamed soy milk with a little froth and drizzle added in for effect. it was, in fact, shitty.)

to make a long story a little longer, after much steaming and mixing and frothy panache, mommy finally got her drink. at least the soy-no-whip-mocha part of it. a second sip and quick peek at the side of the cup told mommy that the ~~f*cker~~ ~~ass~~ ~~dumbshit~~ ~~idiot~~ guy had forgotten to add in the extra shots of actual coffee. mommy just shook her head, smiled, and walked away muttering her favorite line from the mel brooks film, high anxiety: that guy... gets no tip!

the end.

author's note: when mommy got home, she took a bite of boy #2's starbucks snickerdoodle cookie, only to discover it was so stale she had to spit it out. then, after mommy finished her drink, she developed crippling gas pains, which told her the drink had been made with milk, not soy, after all. when mommy can walk again, she's going to go back to starbucks, kick some inept starbuckian ass, and take names later.

(quick non-starbucks-crappy-coffee-related note to miss jom... don't worry! pictures are coming! pictures are coming! when? dunno... but, trust me, pictures are coming!)

A morning without coffee is like sleep. ~ Author Unknown

yanni...say it ain't so!

2006-03-07T08:14:00.000-05:00

* baseball rant alert-- updated at 7:15 pm e.s.t.

yanni? the new-age-music guru? arrested last week for domestic violence? holy crap! this is a strange turn of events. somehow, mommy just never thought she'd ever see "yanni" and the phrase "domestic violence" in the same sentence. i'm thinkin' this is scary, i mean, maybe this is how armageddon begins, ya know?? what's next? "enya bitch slaps ailing grandmother"? sigh. it's gonna be one of those days...

* i've been working on another post for today, one i'm doing just for a special friend of boy #1 -- jom, you know who you are! ; ) -- but i'm having trouble getting some of my pictures to load up. meanwhile, my daddy got himself pretty worked up about that whole smarmy barry bonds/steroid scandal, in fact, he's broken-hearted and angry about the smear this puts on the face of "america's favorite pasttime" (don't know if that's true these days, but i do know daddy's pretty passionate about the game). anyway, if you're interested, you can read all about daddy's thoughts, here.

and jom, i'm sooo sorry, but the way things are goin', i don't think i can show ya the pictures i promised until tomorrow. grrr. i feel so bad! please don't give up on me, okay? (here's a cute pic of bobo to tide you over!)

"I'm an optimist by choice not by stupidity." ~ Yanni

did i miss the oscar boat?

2006-03-06T10:05:00.000-05:00

hmmmm. is everyone still yipping about the oscars? i mean, come on. i ask, because there are television sets in every room in this house and, at this exact moment, many are tuned to various news channels -- and everywhere i go, i'm hearing nothing but blahblah oscar this and blahblah oscar that and what'd ya think about the dress she wore but who was he with can ya believe wedding crashers didn't win anything? okay. heh heh. that last part was a joke, because, of course, wedding crashers was the only movie my mommy & daddy saw last year, and i think we all know it wasn't nominated for anything. (why was it the only movie my people saw? how the hell should i know? i'm guessing it has to do with the fact that they're pathetic frumps who'd rather sit around and watch tivo'd episodes of law & order: criminal intent -- because, according to them, vincent d'onofrio plays the smartest guy on tv.) but i digress. my original question today was this: is everyone on the planet still talking about the oscars?? in which case, did i make a humongous mistake by not talking about it earlier today? am i too late? did i miss freaking the oscar boat??

in truth, i know folks are actually talkin' about other stuff too... (just try sitting in the office for a few minutes when chatty arbuckle gets goin', and you'd know this for a fact...) actually, just a few minutes ago there was a little nugget on cnn.com that got my mommy's feminist side freaked out a bit. (something about a little piece of legislation the governor of south dakota just signed to ban virtually all abortions in that state. mommy seems to think this is gonna have some big-deal supreme-court challenge ramification, but the newsies on cnn aren't saying much, yet.) from where i'm sittin', oscar still looks to be the top conversation blog/dog of the day. go figure.

so let's go back to the oscars, shall we? (humor me, i'm just trying to catch up.) here's a veryvery speedy run-down of what mommy and daddy watched and/or thought about the oscars. kind of.

1. okay, they watched the first 1/2 hour or so, because they lovelovelove jon stewart. and as far as i could tell, they thought he was in excellent form. was he subdued? apparently they thought he was. was he appropriate? apparently, they thought he was. was he still freakin' funny? apparently. at least they laughed and laughed and laughed.

2. graphics = lovely

3. tightly produced show = hard to do/good job/thank you

4. "best" film clips as bumps to commercials = brilliant

5. meryl streep/lily tomlin intro for robert altman = tasty

6. ben stiller intro for best special effects bit = vintage stiller/ hilarious/ adore him

7. various winners: didn't care (tho' they do love george clooney--became big fans once he wasn't so much "the sexiest man alive". thought confessions of a dangerous mind was a really interesting film, can't wait to see good night and good luck.)

8. will ferrell/steve carell bad-make-up-dead-pan intro for best make-up = tea-spitting-hysterical

9. pre-produced "packages" about so-called oscar campaigns to "get votes", voiced by none other than stephen colbert = inspired/funnyfunnyfunny/nice-way-to-keep-those-hollywood-types-from-taking-themselves-so-seriously riot

10. charlize theron's dress = the-girl-is-so-magnificent-she-can-wear-anything-but-next-time-maybe-not-that over-the-top unflattering thing

11. anything else = they didn't see it

12. spaghetti and garlic bread dinner = delicious

and the oscar goes to...

2006-03-06T07:35:00.000-05:00

who's oscar?

"Never judge a book by its movie." ~ J.W. Eagan

play hard...

2006-03-05T09:26:00.000-05:00

sometimes that's exactly what we do. we play hard. and we have so much fun i can hardly stand it! here's a quick look at some of our "action" yesterday, when daddy took me and max and bobo outside for a fun festive frolic:

bobo & max smell something... is it food?

once max sees me comin', he heads for the hills

little girly-wimp-dog that he is...

this bank of snow is more interesting than max...

yeah baby! that's what i'm talkin' about!

(i reallyreally like snow, can ya tell?)

but, does it feel as good on this side of my face?

yes. yes it does!

okay. i'm bored. what else is there to do?

where's bobo?

oh...there he is.

barking at that dog next door again.

stupid dog next door.

maybe bobo needs help!

okay, i'm spent. when do we eat?

now, just for jom, below are a few pictures of fuzzy-butt... not that he participated in our fun festive frolic, mind you, it's just that boy #1 has a goodgood friend who loves cats (as well as sweet puppies) and she wanted to see a few shots of mr. fuzzleworth... so, jom... here ya go! (i'm sorry i didn't have more... i promise i'll get my people on that a.s.a.p.!)

fuzzy in his favorite chair.

fuzzeratti in his favorite lap (daddy's)

the fuzzinator between his favorite puppies (me & bobo)

check out those eyes! oooh scary!

fuzzleworth acting shy...

fuzzy-butt in all his glory (not bad for a 17 year-old, right?)

"Lots of people talk to animals.... Not very many listen, though.... That's the problem." ~ Benjamin Hoff, The Tao of Pooh

dalai bobo's...

2006-03-05T08:48:00.000-05:00

thought for the week...

"Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn't learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn't learn a little, at least we didn't get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn't die; so, let us all be thankful." ~ Buddha

sexually insatiable female morons...

2006-03-04T12:53:00.000-05:00

mommy just read a book review on salon.com (better for all the world: the secret history of forced sterilization and america's quest for racial purity by harry bruinius) regarding the so-called societal "problem" of sexually insatiable female morons, and she's still shaking her head at the enormous dare-i-say-moronic? idiocy of history's so-called progressive thinkers. of course, this faction of intelligentsia lived long ago in a galaxy fa....no, wait! they lived in the last century, and they were freaking americans. concerned capable cock-sure americans. who came up with the mind-f*ckingly brilliant concept of sterilizing "feeble-minded" women in order to prevent mentally defective children from darkening american soil. eventually foiled (tho' not before 65,000 people were "fixed" over a 10 year period) this idea of eugenics became the impetus for nazi germany's move towards genocide. just one more thing to make us all proud to be americans (she said in a voice dripping with sarcasm and disgust). yep. it's heavyheavy shit. and mommy's still shaking her head over the fact that this kind of thing* could and/or did happen right here in the good ol' u.s. of a.

meanwhile, in daddy's corner of the house, thoughts run towards annoyances of a more current nature that annoy/perplex him. fortunately, he's much funnier mood when he's on his soapbox than mommy is right now, so his blog is more, how shall i put this? entertaining. if i were you (which i'm not, but that's beside the point) i'd click over to bobo banjoey as fastfastfast as i could in order to laugh/commiserate with daddy instead of wallow unnecessarily in a pool of head-shaking-at-the-stupid-things-smart-people-did-a-hundred-years-ago with mommy. seriously, at the moment, mommy's a lost cause... huh? oh wait! what's this? she just noticed that there are still a few episodes of project runway she hasn't seen yet? ooooooh. fun/snarky tv fare saves the day! alrighty then, looks like mommy's gonna snap out of this funk, after all!

*mommy may be pro-choice, but she could never condone forced sterilization--not even for someone like succubus, so you know she thought the aforementioned story was incredibly ~~f*cked-up~~ ~~unf*ckingbelievable~~ ~~shocking~~ disturbing. (by the way, despite her personal views, the fact that this practice was halted in no small part thanks to pressure from pro-life-faith-based groups "way-back-when" is an irony not lost on mommy.)

“Ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you mad.” ~ Aldous Huxley

punch out dr. phil...

2006-03-03T18:25:00.000-05:00

go on! you know you want to, (if you're anything like mommy, you wanted to even before you read about the two fancy-schmancy cars he's selling). come on, you can almost taste it, can't ya? go on...it's easy. all ya have to do is go to celebrity punchout and you're in business! mommy did. in fact, she punched dr. phil out in under 12 seconds... (it took a few more for paris hilton and dubya). and she laughed and laughed and laughed--tho' you should know she's not a violent person. not in the least little bit. that said, she'll gladly go back for the chance to smack around bill o'reilly.

note: in the spirit of full disclosure, i want you to know i found the above link on one of mommy's favorite blog sites, sweetney.com. mommy says sweetney totally rocks! besides the fact that she's an excellent writer, one of many things about sweetney that impresses mommy so much is that she's constantly finding/linking to cool sites for her readers to peruse/enjoy. mommy's a huge fan.

sex is bad, m'kay?

2006-03-03T10:32:00.000-05:00

at least it was for these people.

actually, i have no idea what sex is, but i'm guessing it's really not bad, because i've overheard mommy and daddy reminisce about it a lot. and i mean a lot. apparently it's something they used to enjoy (a lot). i can't imagine what changed in their lives that keeps them from enjoying it as often as they wish they could, but i'll bet it has something to do with max. 'course i don't know that for sure, but i do know he's a big pain in my ass, so it must be him. stupid max. keeping mommy and daddy from having sex. whatever that is.

"I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on now." ~ Author Unknown

pssst! maxxy...

2006-03-02T22:54:00.000-05:00

mommy and daddy are gettin' ready to go to bed, so i sneaked back on the computer, cuz i wanted to tell you to tell your daddy, the veryverysmart and veryverycute dr. billy...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

i didn't want him to think that, just cuz i didn't talk to him today that i forgot. it's just that when mommy called earlier today, she and the boys kind of hogged the phone, and then daddy came home and they had dinner (which was delicious) and watched the stupid elimination round on american idol which was bor....what am i saying? who gives a shit about that stupid show?! certainly not me! the bottom line here is that it's your daddy's birthday! yay! hooray! and we lovelovelove him!!! and we hope he had a happyhappyhappy day!! so tell him for me, okie dok, egg yolk? thanks! ~ love, sophie

"Nobody grows old merely by living a number of years. We grow old by deserting our ideals. Years may wrinkle the skin, but to give up enthusiasm wrinkles the soul." ~ Samuel Ullman

long night... longer post

2006-03-02T08:04:00.000-05:00

woo boy... i'm exhausted. can you tell? i realize this picture can't do justice to the bags under my eyes, but, trust me, they're there.

i know what you're thinking, why is that adorable little sophietoes tired? (didn't know i could hear ya thinking, did ya?) well, last night/early this morning, boy #2 had a bit of a crisis. apparently he and betty (his new "girlfriend") had had their first lover's quarrel over something that was his fault. normally, any healthy, strapping 6'5" 21 year old guy would suck it up, apologize, and move on -- especially when the argument was over a freakin' board game, for crissake -- but boy #2 is not exactly that kind of a guy. he struggles with rejection issues. he's highly emotional. and he's damaged goods, thanks to the psycho bitch from the pits of hellish hell who shall henceforth be known as: succubus. so let's talk about her, shall we? let's talk about the psychotic train-wreck of a woman who not only ripped the fragile innocence out of boy #2, but served it up on a platter with fava beans along with a nice chianti.

[before i begin, i would like to state, for the record, that boy #2 has had very little experience in the ways of women. veryveryvery little. someday i'll explain some of those dynamics, but for now, all you need to know is this: he hasn't been "around" much.]

succubus was introduced to the boy through a mutual friend. the fact that this friend, mommy and daddy later learned, is emotionally challenged, and as such, heavily medicated, and, at 29, lives in his parent's basement (where he will probably remain well into old age) should have been a clue that his friends might be of questionable ilk... but, i digress. overall, it seemed the first "date" went relatively well. so much so, that before letting her drop him off, (he wasn't driving yet), the boy brought succubus into the house to "meet the folks". and she seemed... fine. oh, mommy and daddy weren't crazy about the fact that she was 27 (the boy was 20) and they found her attire somewhat disconcerting (a way too short skirt and low cut ~~skank~~ tank top) but, despite the fact that she looked like ~~white trash~~ someone who needed fashion guidance, there were still lots of smiles and nice-to-meet-ya's, after which, the boy then walked her out to her car. five minutes later, boy #2 came back into the kitchen and burst into tears, for succubus had told him she "couldn't see him anymore", because he was "too intense". he reminded her, she said, of an old boyfriend. and old boyfriend who had "raped her" and "beaten her" on "several occasions". huh? mommy and daddy were confused. and so, i hasten to add, was the boy.

that night, however, b#2 and succubus had a marathon phone conversation about the whole stinkin' "you're too intense/i can't see you anymore" mess, (i'm pretty sure 6 hours constitutes a marathon) and, according to the lad, they had successfully resolved their issues. issues? they had issues? after one date? yes, said the boy, he had apparently reacted to something she'd said in a voice (a voice!) that made her feel uncomfortable, which then stirred up feelings of the thing at the place with the guy. hmmm. mommy and daddy thought that was odd, but, hey, the boy was happy, so they decided to be, too.

two days later, the boy broke down again, and told mommy that succubus had just told him to get lost. she needed a "real" man, she said. someone who could stand up for himself. someone a succubus like herself could respect. (there's a lot more to this, but i think you get the idea... it was a lengthy verbal barrage of everything she -- a "succubus" -- thought was "wrong" with the boy).

do i really need to continue? i mean, everything i've just described happened in the first week -- the FIRST week -- and continued for several months. during the course of their "relationship", boy #2 drove his brand new ford escape into a tree, punched a hole in a wall in the basement, destroyed a concrete planter on the front walk, and developed a taste for marijuana. every other day, it seemed, some new drama ensued. and it was ugly, folks, reallyreally ugly.

finally, when mommy and daddy honestly thought they could take no more, succubus did herself in. after a fit of unfounded jealousy, she told the boy he had given her std's (yes, plural). what?? he had never been with anyone but succubus! but she claimed to have been diagnosed with no fewer than 2 std's, so mommy took the boy to the doctor, who took an enormous amount of blood to do a whole bunch of tests, only to discover that the boy, in fact, did not have a thing wrong with him. what did succubus have to say when he reported this news? oopsies... her doctor had just called and told her the clinic had "mixed-up" the reports, and that she, too, was actually fine. it was a veritable festivus miracle!

fortunately, after that little bit of ugliness, boy #2 threw succubus out on her scrawny crack-whore-slutty ass. unwilling to allow her-scrawny-crack-whore-self to be tossed any too fast, however, she pulled out what, she thought, was her ace in the hole (no pun intended). she told the boy she was... pregnant.

yep, even tho' they had not had sex in weeks (have i ever mentioned to you how open and honest the boy is with mommy and daddy? even when it comes to his... er... um... sex life? even tho' mommy and daddy wouldn't mind in the least little bit if the boy felt the need to keep a few things to himself?) succubus said she was pregnant with his child. bizarre really, since b#2 had confided in mommy a few weeks earlier that he had allegedly "hurt" succubus in a moment of intimacy, because of a condition she learned she had called p.i.d.* -- in fact, he had hurt her so badly, she told him, she had to have her mother take her to the emergency room. and it was all his fault, because he wanted to have sex with her. even tho' she had been the one to initiate things, she claimed she had only agreed to "follow thru" because she thought he wanted her so badly and she didn't want to "hurt his feelings" (i think this is the kind of thing she calls "rape", tho' i can't be sure). whatever. as a result of this careless act of passion, she wound up being "horribly injured". so much so, the doctor said they had to stop "doing it" for an indeterminate amount of time. fast-forward to the a-few-weeks-without-sex later statement "i'm pregnant", and, needless-to-say, boy #2 called her bluff. so... she proceeded to call him and/or mommy and/or daddy a colorful variety of names (why mommy & daddy? because she's a psycho-bitch from the pits of hellish hell, that's why). the good news? succubus went away, and has not been heard from since.

all this to say, succubus did a major mind-f*ck on the boy, the extent of which mommy only truly realized last night. it broke her heart to see how vulnerable her youngest child was, as he sat on the couch and helplessly sobbed into his sleeve. mommy was worried about the boy, and actually wondered if young betty would be willing to help him work through his first relationship crisis in over a year (that's how long it's been since he kicked succubus to the curb). in the wee hours of this morning, mommy found out that, not only was betty willing, she was able. for of course this story has a happy ending (for now). the boy and betty kissed and made up, mommy went back to bed, and peace and quiet were restored to our humble little abode. and if the boy and/or betty know what's good for their respective toes and/or asses, they'll make goddamn sure it stays that way.

*(for any of you who don't know about pelvic inflammatory disease, suffice it to say that it most often involves an untreated s.t.d. that eventually causes scar tissue in the uterus, fallopian tubes, and other reproductive organs, which, in turn causes pelvic pain and/or infertility. not always... but most often. which is why that psycho bitch from the pits of hellish hell we call succubus was most assuredly not pregnant.)

"Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I." ~ Oscar Levant

daddy sure has a big...

2006-03-01T08:56:00.000-05:00

mouth. sort of. i mean, i am having fun reading his account of the mis-adventures of the two man/boys, especially as it relates to their respective attempts to make romatic connections with betty and/or veronica. but did he have to go and blab about mommy's tattoos in the process?? that, i think, may have crossed the don't-let-the-world-know-about-you-darling-wife's-momentary-departure-from-sanity line. more on that in half a tick. first, tho', a few more worms on the boys and betty and/or veronica.

truth be told, today daddy summed up rather well mommy's feelings regarding boy #2 (who's with betty if anyone is keeping/trying to keep score) to a "t"... these two kids seem to be doing quite nicely, thank you very much... and let's just hope it stays that way! betty's a very sweet girl and is surprisingly grounded. she and the boy are well-suited for each other, and i actually think she's gonna be able to keep him in line. she'll also keep him occupied, which, around here, is a very good thing. (boy #2 can be a major pain in the ass when he's bored. which is something i might want to tell y'all about sometime in the future, as a sort of cautionary tale for those of you with young kids). anyway, if you're interested, you can read daddy's account of boy #2/betty/blahblahblah right here. go on. i'll wait. but do come back, m'kay? 'cuz once you've read that, i'd really like to explain the whole sordid mommy/marked woman/how long has she been on those crazy pills, anyway? business.

wow! you're fast! i barely had time to take care of "business" (if ya catch my drift, and i'm sure you do!). okay then... let's talk tattoos, shall we? first, i guess a little background is in order:

when mommy was in her youth, she decided to get a tattoo. now, mommy had this idea for quite a little while before she actually followed through with it (mommy's sister will tell you she had the idea first, but she didn't. altho', she did get a tattoo first, so i guess that's worth something... in the land of who gives a shit! ah, but those two will have to slug that little matter out later, and i have to finish this before i and/or you get bored) anyway, eventually mommy got a sweet little heart tattooed on her left breast (yes yes... mommy's sister did, too, and, yes, she got her's first. yeesh-ka-bob! can i get on with this now?) mind you, mommy (and her sister) became marked women when "nice" girls didn't do such things (i said mommy was in her youth, right? so you know that it was quite a little while ago). her's was a small tattoo. a tasteful tattoo. and it was, for all intents and purposes, a secret tattoo.

fast forward to a few years ago, when boy #2 was 16 and expressed a burning desire to get the chinese symbol for "year of the rat" (his birth sign) tattooed on his leg. since mommy had been thinking about getting another small tattoo, herself, she seized the opportunity to A) get another tattoo B) bond with her wayward-ish son (he was going thru a thing) 3) shock herself back into her own life (another story for yet, another day...).

after a proper amount of time was dedicated to researching gifted and/or tasteful tattoo artists, one fine summer day mommy & boy #2 drove from villanova (where they lived at the time) to kutztown, pennsylvania (4 hours away) in order to get aforementioned tattoos from aforementioned well-researched/gifted/tasteful tattoo artist.

since boy #2 was a little squeamish, mommy went first. only, instead of getting another, tasteful, and fairly discreet tattoo, she wound up making a statement. and what statement, you ask, did mommy decide to make? mommy decided her statement would be one of independence. joy. of re-connecting with her inner-self. mommy wanted something unique. and unique is exactly what she got. combining the elements of her ancestry (celtic and nordic), mommy wound up with a celtic knot tattooed around her ankle... with a nordic rune on either side; one representing "joy" the other, "the self". in her head, this seemed so perfect. so unique. so her. on her ankle, it seems so red. so green. and so...big.

still, mommy's not sorry she did this. nope. not at all. she actually likes it. and she's proud of herself for going through with it (because when i tell you there was a good amount of pain involved, it's because there was). oh, and for the record, the boy's tattoo turned out quite nicely, as well. all in all, mommy and the boy spent the better part of 14 hours together on that trip, and it was a bonding journey like no other. they had an excellent time, and mommy wouldn't trade it for anything. not even an unmarked ankle free of celtic-green-ink.

note: just because i'm telling you about mommy's tattoo doesn't mean you get to do what daddy did, and blab about it all over the net. you see, mommy never got around to telling her own parents about her little mother-son-tattoo-bonding road-trip with boy #2... 'cuz she's pretty dang sure she'd be in deep shit if they ever found out. not only that, they'd probably ground her for life.

"Tattoo. What a loaded word it is, rife with associations to goons, goofs, bikers, tribal warriors, carnival artists, drunken sailors and floozies." ~ Jon Anderson, "Epidermal Dalis," Chicago Tribune, 6 October 1994

this sells paper towels??

2006-02-28T13:51:00.000-05:00

is it me, of is this weird? cuz i think it's weird. and creepy. and... really creepy. (and yet, at the same time, i can't stop laughing. of course it's that nervous creeped out by the weirdness kind of laugh i have when i'm... creeped out by the weirdness!) but maybe i'm wrong. (besides, they can't be serious, can they?) check out innocent escapes and lemme know what you think.

by the by, i found the above link on ze frank's website... which is, i should point out, neither weird nor creepy. in fact, this song is one of my all-time favorites (since A.D.D is alive and well and rampant in this household).

bobo's fine.

2006-02-28T08:42:00.000-05:00

not that you've been asking about him, lately. wait a tick... why haven't you been asking about him lately??? don't you care about our precious little bobo banjoey (the dog not the blog)?? i'm mean, come on! he's been battling an ear infection since january and we've all been out of our minds with worry. all of us, that is, but you. yeah, i'm talking to you. you there sitting at the kitchen counter in those fuzzy blue slippers and tattered terry bathrobe. you with the toussled-ratty-bed-hair and remnants of last night's makeup still smeared across the corners of your mouth (that nars flaming dust was a great color for you last night... but the morning after? not so much). you go on now... just finish up with that crossword puzzle and/or stale banana nut muffin. zap that final cup of luke warm coffee in the microwave and check your e-mail... call madge, edith, and luanne. immerse yourself in the latest gossip of the day. but, whatever you do, don't give the bobo another thought. you just let us worry about him while you get on with your busy/important/not-worryin'-about-the-bobo day. really. he's fine.

"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful." ~ Ann Landers

it's official...

2006-02-27T10:23:00.000-05:00

meredith is a whore. (or a slut... i can't remember quite what i decided last week. but whatever i said? that's what she is.)

just so you know, i came to this conclusion after watching my mommy and daddy watch another episode of grey's anatomy last night. in this one, meredith come-to-mama grey, that formerly-cute-now-not-so-much surgical intern/whoreslut broke the spirit/heart of tender surgical intern/teddy-bear, george i'm-a-man-i'm-a-boy-i'm-a-boyish-manboy o'malley, by allowing him into her bed/panties, only to crush his crush on her by bursting out in tears as he was making -- what i can only imagine he believed to be -- sweet sweet love to her. mid-act, no less! according to mommy, there are words for women like that... and i think those words are... slut and/or whoreslut. from what i understand, screwed up bitch might work, as well.

meanwhile, back at the mcdreamy ranch... mcdreamy's brilliant/whoreslut of a doctor wife somehow managed to expose her... um... va-jay-jay* to poison oak. poison oak. down there? aren't these people supposed to be smart? reallyreally smart? so smart they're fabulous doctors? and wouldn't smart/fabulous doctors be smart enough to know better than to squat over a patch of freaking poison oak when taking a morning pee break in the great outdoors? apparently not.

as long as i'm on the subject of mcdreamy's brilliant doctor/whoreslut wife (and, in case you got here mid-blog, i am), not only is this character supposed to be smart, when we first met her, she also seemed...classy. sophisticated. heck, she's from new york city, for chrissake. so maybe this is just me, but how weird was it that she spent the better part of last night's episode laying on a hospital bed with her legs spread-eagle as her friend/patient/colleague examined her/told her the rash was (giggle) poison oak/treated her/left her with legs firmly planted in the stirrups in order to rush out/rush back with mcdreamy in tow, so he'd be able to see for himself how sorry his slutty wife was for sleeping around with his best friend (guess you had to see the episode to understand the kharmic reasoning here). yeah, i'm pretty sure her red-rash-enraged-va-jay-jay is gonna make him drop trou. sigh.

at the risk of making this post so freaking long you'll start vomitting cotton, i do have one more programming note. you see, the other tv hi-light last night for mommy and daddy was the dancing with the stars finale. yes yes, i know. that seems more like a pathetic low-light on mommy and daddy's even-more-pathetic to-do list of weekend activities, but what the hell. they liked it. they thought it was fun. heck, they were even happy that cute little drew you're-so-adorable-and-we-lovelovelove-your-cute-li'l-dance-partner-cheryl-too-and-we're-sorry-about-your-brother-nick's-divorce-but-what-the-hell-happened-to-jessica's-lips-anyway?-oh-but-we-digress lachey was the grand winner! but what in-the-name-of-all-that's-holly-hunter happened with the voting that meant stacy oh-my-god-those-legs-that-body-thos..ack!-get-your-hands-off-my-neck-i-only-have-eyes-for-you-and-i-promise-to-stop-oggling-her-i-can't-breathe-please-honey-thanks-that's-better keibler wound up in 3rd place? huh? she got screwed. seriously, jerry was-a-great-football-player-but-isn't-such-a-great-dancer-in-fact-he-really-can't-dance-for-shit rice put on a very nice routine last night, but i'm pretty freaking sure he didn't deserve to beat out stacy, any more than he deserved to beat out poor ~~lips~~ lisa rinna, who really got screwed last week. come to think of it, ~~lips~~ lisa got screwed twice; once by the stupid people who didn't vote for her and once by the doctor with the bicycle tire pump, who over-filled those giant lips of hers (think lisa and jessica simpson use the same ~~tire pump~~ doctor?)

oh my! what have i done here? this is just the kind of long-ass post i'd hoped to avoid today. sigh. no wonder i'm so exhausted, this is a shitload of worms! i'm guessing no one's gonna be too upset if i forego mommy's little basement adventure, right? (tho', if your eyeballs haven't dried up right there inside your skulls, you're welcome to read about that fun fiasco here.)

* mcdreamy's whoreslut/doctor wife, addison, didn't really get poison oak on her va-jay-jay, because (and you'd know this if you'd ever read mommy's sister's book) the va-jay-jay is on the inside of a woman's body, kids, inside! but the writer's of grey's anatomy seem to like that term, better than, oh say the va-vohl-va, so i used it, too. but seriously if the poison oak and her va-jay-jay ever came in contact with each other, she'd be hurtin'... big time. big. time. but since it's just a crummy tv show -- albeit a show called grey's anatomy, about smart/fabulous doctors and/or surgeons (details) and was watched by more people than any other show last week--i'm sure the incorrect anatomical labeling is no big deal.

"If you read a lot of books, you're considered well-read. But if you watch a lot of TV, you're not considered well-viewed." ~ Lily Tomlin

huh? when did dennis miller...

2006-02-26T13:17:00.000-05:00

...stop being funny? seriously. mommy and daddy were watching him on some hbo special last night, and i don't think they laughed out loud even once. this is weird, 'cuz in the past they would always laugh and laugh and laugh when ever they watched him. so, what's happened to his funny? did it go away because denny's become a mouthpiece for the ~~so-called~~ bush administration? no. (tho' i'm guessing that doesn't help) no... a right-leaning comedian can still tickle a left-leaning funny bone, so it can't be that. here's what i think: i think it's just that dennis miller's simply... not funny anymore.

and that, my friends, would almost be funny, if it wasn't so sad.

"There's no doubt about it, show business lures the people who didn't get enough love, attention, or approval early in life and have grown up to become bottomless, gaping vessels of terrifying, abject need. Please laugh." ~ Dennis Miller

dalai bobo's...

2006-02-26T09:01:00.000-05:00

...thought for the week

We are formed and molded by our thoughts. Those whose minds are shaped by selfless thoughts give joy when they speak or act. Joy follows them like a shadow that never leaves them. ~ Buddha

one picture...

2006-02-25T16:50:00.001-05:00

is worth a thousand worms. at least that's what i've heard. and i sure hope so, since i'm several thousand worms short of having anything worth writing about today. it didn't help that daddy (who never seems to be at a loss for good worms of his own) complimented mommy on today's new post, which was, in fact, the post from yesterday, which meant, in fact, that daddy hadn't really read that post yet, which forced mommy to conclude, in fact, that it wasn't worth the headache involved to come up with something new/clever for today when the only one who allegedly reads this thing on any kind of regular basis (i.e. daddy) is, in fact, probably not gonna read it any time soon, so what's the point? ipso facto... there is no point. which means, i have nothing to say.

therefore, in lieu of worms, here are some reallyreally cute pictures of me, bobo, max... and maxxy (mommy's sister's puppy--who is adorable) just to give your eyes something to do.

bobo was still a pup here, can ya tell?

see what i mean about that goofy max?

bobo & max chillin' outside

dalai bobo

(one of mommy's favorite pics)

happy to be me.

cute li'l maxxy

damn. he really is cute!

such a face!

(kind of looks like an ewok... only cuter)

precious bobo

gorgeous max

(sometimes i guess he does look pretty)

moi

"When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem." ~ Edward Abbey

funny funny funny.

2006-02-24T13:24:00.000-05:00

that's all. as far as i'm concerned, this is just funnyfunnyfunny. and i think it will be to anyone who is already and/or will soon be a new parent. heck, it should be funny to even those of you who were new parents a long time ago, (like mommy, who actually laughed her ass off) * ** ***

* if you're a regular daily show (hands down the best show on the tv) viewer, chances are you've already seen this piece.

** when the window opens, if the video doesn't start right away, click on the part that says "enter now" ( you can do that, can't you?)

*** made ya look! hahahahahaha! (what? you thought i was joking in my earlier post about the crazy pills i must be taking? are you new here?) actually... heh heh... as long as you are here, i was thinking that if you've yet to jump on the colbert report bandwagon, you really should. tho' worried in the beginning that he'd wind up in tongue-in-cheek conservative-talk-show hell, stephen colbert's dry humor has won mommy and daddy over, big time. to find out why, check out his "official" website, colbert nation. much like the colbert report, it's silly-yet-smart and very freakin'-funnyfunnyfunny.

programming note. actually, this was a programming not. as in "guess what the tivo did not record last night"...

remember when daddy told you that mommy was forced to watch dancing with the stars when she went to visit her sister in new brownexico? and how worried he was about mommy's slide back into the pits of reality tv hell? and how daddy decided to go along with mommy's viewing choices just to keep her company on the couch? well, last night's show was the final competition between the top 3 couples, featuring wwe diva stacy cute-as-a-button-with-the-most-amazing-and-longest-legs-we've-ever-seen keibler; football great jerry you've-made-so-many-pretty-catches-from-passes-thrown-by-joe-montana-but-you-still-can't-dance-for-shit rice (you're fun to watch, jerry, but ya really didn't belong in the finals and lisa ~~lips~~ rinna did... but i digress); and former 98 degrees boy-band-boy baritone drew you're-so-adorable-and-we-lovelovelove-your-dance-partner-cheryl-oh-and-we're-sorry-about-your-brother-nick's-divorce-tho'-we-suspect-he'll-be-better-off-without-her lachey. in case you've yet to notice, mommy and daddy have invested no small amount of time to this stupid show since they started watching a few weeks ago. so the fact that, due to some bizarre and completely annoying programming error, tivo only recorded the first hour and a half of the show... which meant mommy and daddy got to watch everything but the final everything-and-or-anything-goes dances of the three finalists was, to say the least, a problem. now, this may not seem like a big deal to you, but mommy and daddy were... ~~freaked out~~ ~~inconsolable~~ ~~distressed~~ ~~upset~~ ~~miffed~~ mildly disappointed. good thing they're not so involved they're actually voting for their personal favorites, 'cuz then, they would be pissed.

they really do need help.

save us jeebus!

2006-02-24T08:35:00.000-05:00

since daddy's already spent two whole days writing about the boys and their (new) girlfriends and the questionable sleeping arrangements and the fact that this safe haven we call home has been turned into a den of iniquity, i'm basically left with nothing to write about. that's right, i've been rendered ~~speechless~~ wormless--not to be confused with being free of actual worms, which of course, i am...

no, for those of you who don't know, i use "worms" to represent those things that come out of your mouths--or fingers--that form sentences that form paragraphs that form statements and/or speeches. which means you can be speechless when you are, in fact, wormless. and if you've ever seen/enjoyed the movie roxanne with steve martin (someone we lovelovelove) you know just what i'm referencing when i say worms as opposed to words. and if you haven't seen roxanne with steve martin (someone we lovelovelove) what's wrong with you? don't you like steve martin? we lovelovelove him! what's he ever done to you except make a couple of really stupid movies in recent years, that are far beneath his gigantic talent.

oh, and speaking of gigantic talents, according to a deleted section in mommy's sister's book (which we have happily mentioned and/or borrowed from several times in the past few months), steve martin (someone we lovelovelove) apparently has one--if you catch my drift (and if you don't, what's wrong with you?). now, steve martin's huge talent is not the only reason we lovelovelove him, but it certainly makes him a bit more, um...er...intriguing, doncha think? (no? seriously, what's wrong with you?) speaking of huge talents and/or dr. terri's fine/insightful book, maybe some day i'll tell you who else is on that deleted list of talents "living large".

uh... huh. hmmmm. you know what? i just realized i have no freaking clue what any of this is about... (what the hell is wrong with me?) apparently my attention deficit disorder is alive and running rampant in my head again, rendering me... senseless. i'm sure it's a carry over from yesterday's brain eating episode, or, possibly, from the crazy pills i seem to be taking. either way, it's probably best if i bid you all adieu for now, in hopes of regaining my senses and/or worms... which ever pops into my head first. t.g.i.f.

"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face." ~ Bern Williams

just so wrong...

2006-02-23T18:58:00.000-05:00

so very wrong. on so very many levels. still, at least it's now (almost) officially wrong. is it just me, or should this law have been in effect... oh... say... forever??? no wonder my head hurts.

the day that ate my brain

2006-02-23T16:43:00.000-05:00

by sophietoes

it started early... and everything went downhill from there.

the end.

"Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night." ~ Charles M. Schulz

oh me.

2006-02-22T08:57:00.000-05:00

all. morning. long. i. have. been. trying. to. write. something. it. has. not. been. going. well. and. there. will. be. hell. to. pay. for. those. responsible. for. thwarting. my. efforts. trust me, toes. may. be. lost.

yep. this morning i was all hey, i'm gonna slam this thing out today so i can get on with my life and then max was all barkbarkbark let me out before something i don't know about yet scares me. so mommy let him out. and i was all alrighty then, let's get going! and max was all barkbarkbark let me in i think there's something scary out here and i may be in danger. so mommy gets up and lets max back in. long story short, this little scenario has played out at least 6 or 7 times over the past 2 hours, which, in and of itself wouldn't be quite so bad, but, between those exchanges, mommy's had to contend with boy #1 (aptly described as chatty arbuckle in an earlier post) offering non-stop running commentary on everything from vice-president ~~dick-face~~ cheney to which movie will be better to see with his girlfriend before taking her out to see brokeback mountain. should they watch once upon a time in the west or open range? or would it be better to see something funny like oh brother, where art thou?, or how 'bout the sting? decisions decisions defreakaingcisions. i'm not sure how much more of this i can take.

ahhhh... finally. the boy has left to pick up his girlfriend (tho' he never did select a pre-movie movie), max is quiet, and i finally get to relax a bit. sweet sweet silence is so golde....ack! aiieeeeeeeeeee! what in the wide wide world of sports did i just hear?? we're out of what? greenies? greenies?? gree-f*cking-eenies??? again? lord help us all. that's it. you can stop reading now, 'cuz i'm gonna stop writing. go on! go get yourself a cup of coffee, grab a snack, do a load of laundry, smoke 'em if ya got 'em (but not around me because so-help-me-god-i-will-bite your toes). i'm getting ready to kick some major mommy butt, after which, i expect my mommy will be dashing off to the pet store to buy what? anybody? anybody? that's right, kids, gre-e-e-eenies. and please, don't worry, cuz i will come back after i've had my ... ahem... fix. oh yes, i will. and then i'll tell y'all about the girls that boy 1 and boy 2 met and are dating/may be dating/please dear god let them be dating, and why i'm ever-so-hopeful they're nice and why that would be a welcome change from the former girlfriends that boy 1 and boy 2 dated a couple of years ago who turned out to be royal psycho-bitches from the pits of hellish hell. it's a really good story. well worth the wait.

"I like to reminisce with people I don't know." ~ Steven Wright

merms?

2006-02-21T09:04:00.000-05:00

i've been waiting for this day. i've been waiting for the excuse to write another post on sex ed. 101 (ish). and now, thanks to last night's episode of house (such a good/interesting show), i can.

last night's plot twist? a lovely nubile teenage supermodel passes out on the runway and is rushed to the hospital where house and his band of jolly house-wannabes discover the model is 1) addicted to heroin 2) sleeping with her daddy, and 3) anatomically... a guy. sort of.

now, i don't know about you, but i think the first question that comes screaming to the front is this: how often do such things happen in real life (as opposed to tv life which is never really quite like real life in any way, shape or form)?

brace yourhappynaiveselves for the answer, kids, because, according to researchers who research such things, it's yes. in fact, it happens about 1.7 percent of the time. that's 1.7 babies out of 100. are you shocked? (and what, exactly, does .7 of a baby look like, anyway?)

of course, if any of you had read mommy's sister's book, skin flutes and velvet gloves, a collection of facts & fancies, legends & oddities about the body's private parts, you would not have been surprised in the least. but then, most of you did not read this book, nor did you take the veryveryverysmart dr. terri's human sexuality courses in college when you had the chance. (tho', since her classes were among the most popular courses ever, lots of you actually did!) but, back to those of you who didn't read the book and/or take one of her classes... i wanna know, what's wrong with you? don't you want to be as smart as all the other boys, girls, and intersexuals on the playground? sigh. why do i bother?

as most of you do know (whether you took any of the classes and/or read the book) a child's gender is traditionally identified by the person handling the delivery duties at a baby's birth. it's a boy! or it's a girl! are the 2 most anticipated declarations a new parent waits to hear... but if that delivery-assisting person looked closer, perhaps the announcement might sound more like this:

hmmmm. this child has both testes and ovaries. it's a herm!

or: this child has testes and some female genitalia but no ovaries. it's a merm!

or: this baby has ovaries and some male genitalia but no testes. it's a ferm!

boys, merms, herms, ferms, and girls. those are the real gender distinctions. see it's not just about the X's and the Y's, since there are XX boys and XY girls, which, truth be told, only really matters in the olympics (yep, they test for it). as for house's assertion last night that the he/she model had long lean limbs, soft curves, and perky breasts, along with a peaches 'n cream complexion because he/she was a ... er he/she? that's true.

yes, true. which means... boys & girls, manymanymany supermodels you admire--and wish to emulate and/or date--are probably not unlike the aforementioned supermodel on house, in that they are of an ambiguous gender or, if you prefer... intersexual. (was olive oyl intersexual? how the hell should i know? i only put that picture in 'cuz, if you're anything like me, your eyes started crossing after the 2nd paragraph of this post, and i was hoping to give you something to look at besides all these goddam worms.)

for those of you whose eyes have yet to cross, are ya in the mood for a little more gender specific brain pain? okay:

every male has a remnant of a vagina which appears as a tiny tag of skin on the lining of the bladder. it's called "vagina masculina", which, i suppose, takes the girly aspect out of it.

and speaking of vaginas, out of every 4000 female babies born each year, approximately 1 is born without one. (but then, 1 in 100,000 males babies is born with a "diphallus" or double penis, so, go figure.)

there. that should hold ya until i get around to telling you more. when will that be? i dunno. maybe csi will do an episode involving mirkins. or law order: criminal intent will toss around impressive genital-related terms like automonosexualism, or pedomentia, or my personal favorite, bugf*cker (a term mommy and her sister have ascribed to a certain television critic they don't like in chicago, but i'm pretty sure that's another story for another day).

"You can't have a period, Stan, because you are a man... with titties." ~ God [during an episode of South Park where Stan tries to "get his period" and accidentally grows breasts]

funny.

2006-02-20T13:17:00.000-05:00

and pretty darn so, if i do say so myself, which i do. see for yourself here

on the other hand this is what ya might call tragic (in a pathetic how-could-they-let-this-poor-kitty-get-so-doggone-fat? sort of way)

and, finally, since i was speaking of the whoreslut meredith on grey's anatomy in my earlier post today, i made this for you (might want to open it in another window, cuz you won't be able to get back here). i know, i know. it's kind of silly/odd/freaky. but, guess what? once you make one of these yourself, i believe you'll discover it's also weirdly addictive. (in a silly/odd/freakish sort of way) tee hee! by the way, i totally ripped two of these items off from dave barry's blog. i'm guessin' he won't mind, but, just in case, let's try to keep our mouths the opposite of the way whoreslut meredith keeps her legs... i.e. shut.

that meredith is such a whore.

2006-02-20T08:57:00.000-05:00

or is she a slut? a slutty whore? i don't know what derisive label she deserves for certain, but damn! that girl gets around!

for anyone not familiar with my mommy and daddy's pathetic weekend routine of marathon television viewing (okay, they actually do do other things, but is anyone interested in hearing about their trip to nordstroms to buy daddy a couple of snappy new suits? anyone?) i'm talking about last night's episode of grey's anatomy, in which viewers were ~~treated~~ subjected to excessive amount of whining and moping around by the character played by ellen what-the-hell-happened-to-my-looks-this-year? pompeo. we get it. meredith grey is a brilliant/slutty surgical intern who falls in love with the handsome/brilliant neurosurgeon dr. mcdreamy who turns out to be married but still seems to love her but they can't be together because his own slutty/brilliant doctor wife (who slept with her husband's best friend, dr. mcdreamier mcsteamy) comes out to seattle from nyc in order to apologize to her hubby mcdreamy who (stupidly) agrees to try and work things out (sidebar here... dr. mcdreamy's wife sleeps with another guy, so he--mcdreamy--falls in love with meredith but then he--mcdreamy--takes the wife/brilliant doctor/slut back, even tho she--brilliant doctor/slut wife--knows he--hubby mcdreamy--still loves meredith? yeah, that happens). anyway... so the very frustrated and apparent horndog meredith starts hanging out at her favorite bar and proceeds to sleep with every tom, dick and raphael with clever lines like buy you a drink? what's your sign? open sesame? then she discovers that her mother, an incredibly brilliant/bitchy doctor who's now suffering from alzheimers, had cheated on her husband, meredith's father, when meredith was a little girl (of course, her dad was a mcwimpy but so what)...so, gosh i guess this means this sort of "sleep with anyone with a penis" thing runs in the female side of that screwed-up family. uh...er...um... suddenly i'm not quite sure where i was going with all that, but oh well. here's my point -- 'cuz i sort of have one -- meredith is a sluttysluttywhore! so, then, just to make her even more whorish and slutty and, er, whorishly slutty than before, last night she seduced (sort of) that teddy-bear-cutie-but-who-doesn't-think-this-character's-really-gay? george, who's been pining away for whoreslut meredith since day one of season 1.

do the producers not think highly of this character for whom the show is named? seriously, she's a mess. and while we're on the subject of her sluttyslutty ways, why isn't she the one contracting syphillis? (if you watch the show, you know what this refers to. if you don't... you don't) i'm confused. seriously, i'm thinking that next season the aforementioned producers should toss meredith (nee ellen pompeo) out on her scrawny formerly-attractive ass and focus the show on the actual interesting couple, played by the amazing sandra oh and the very hubba-hubba isaiah washington. but, if they decide to keep meredith, for the sakes of impressionable viewers everywhere i hope they introduce her to -- ahem -- frottage*... or, for complete safety, how 'bout the joys of masturbation? hmmm? hmmm? just a thought.

*what? you don't know what frottage means? well, kids, it means rubbing. with a partner. sexy keep-yer-clothes-on-but-still-feel-reallyreally-good-with-your-partner rubbing. consider yourself informed (and thanks to dr. terri, cuz she's the reason we know this stuff in the first place!)

"If you use the electric vibrator near water, you will come and go at the same time." ~ Louise Sammons

chatty arbuckle...

2006-02-19T23:18:00.000-05:00

(i'm actually writing this on the 20th...)

i have been desperately trying to write something for the past 3 hours... but the boy keeps coming into the office, and he's just yakking up one side of my head and down the other! blahblahblah ~~dick-face~~ cheney. blahblahblah hitler. blahblahblah presidents in general. blahblahblah stupid max. blahblahblah the price of sake in japan. blahblahblahblabittyblah. aieeeeee! what the f*ck? i do have things to say, people... and once i get even the slightest chance (like, when the boy stops long enough to breathe) i will. (i mean no offense to the boy, by the way, he's actually interesting on any given day... but sometimes he needs to, you know, give his jaw bone--and my ears--a rest!) sigh.

"The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is waiting." ~ Fran Lebowitz

#2 #1 with a bullet...

2006-02-19T16:58:00.000-05:00

yes yes... i know... the whole vice-president ~~dick-face~~ cheney shooting his buddy in the face story is so over, but busymom, i'm guessin' you've still got "the theme song" rolling around in your busy head, so i thought you might enjoy this happy little video, which, unless i miss my guess, should provide some nice imagery. oh, it may not be as fun as sledding down a snowy hill with the kids, but it'll do in a pinch.

dalai bobo's...

2006-02-19T09:21:00.000-05:00

...thought for the week

"I do not believe in a fate that falls on men however they act; but I do believe in a fate that falls on them unless they act." ~ Buddha

my bad...

2006-02-18T13:14:00.000-05:00

dear ~~lips~~ lisa rinna. i'm writing to say i'm sorry. why? because i don't think i was very kind to you a >few days ago<, and now that you've been eliminated from dancing with the stars, i feel sort of guilty. of course, compared to losing to jerry makes-pretty-catches-when-the-passes-come-from-joe-montana-but-gee-he-really-can't-dance-for-shit-tho'-he-sure-seems-to-be-having-a-lot-of-fun-trying rice, my mild critism of your overly voluptuous mouth is hardly a big deal, but still, my bad.

lisa rinna, you got ripped off. big time. and i don't know why. maybe the voters were just so mesmerized watching your mouth (can she move those things? is it hard to breathe with them pressing up against her nostrils like that? is her center of gravity effected at all by the load she's carrying on her face?) they failed to notice your handy... er... footwork. but mommy and daddy noticed, and they thought you were awesome! and adorable. mostly. well, except, maybe for your lips, cuz, you know? they're big. really big. reallyreallyreallyreallyreally big. seriously. you don't need those big lips to look good. i mean, you have that amazing figure, for godsake. mommy hasn't had abs that flat since... well, now that she thinks about it, she's never had abs that flat. but who can appreciate your toned body when your gigantic lips cast such an enormous shadow over it? lisa, listen to me, i know what i'm talking about here. make your fans and/or viewers who like you even if they're not actual fans happy, please, and let some of the air out of those flop py things. not all, just some. well... most. okay... all.

thanking you for your time, and in sincere hopes you'll be gracious enough to accept my apology, i remain yours very truly,

sophie

"If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?" ~ Lily Tomlin

no. this is not funny. is it?

2006-02-17T16:22:00.000-05:00

as you may or may not know, fox news has decreed the story of the shooting of the guy doing the thing at the place by the man who is the f*cking vice president of the united states is... over. it's run its course. that's right, it's finished. yeah baby, this piece of information is yesterday's news. it's not the least bit interesting in any way, shape, or form. ya hear me?? it's finito. totally kaput. this drivel has had the fork stuck in it and by gosh and by golly folks, it's done! it's a dead horse that can simply take no more beating. (to watch how jon stewart covered this aspect of the story on the daily show--hands down the best show on tv--click here...then click on the window with the elephant (like the one you see on the right) and slug "use the force". trust me, this is beyond hilarious) which then makes this not even a little funny. right? okay... maybe just a little funny. or, is it? is this funny? or is this just the most ridiculously stupid thing we've ever seen in all our born days? maybe it's just, you know, dumb. yeah, i'm thinking that's what it is, dumb. but in a kind of funny and/or stupid way. i give up. ah, what the heck, why don't i report... and let you decide...

by the way, nice of ol' harry whittington to apologize to the ~~dick-face~~ vice-president for getting shot in the face by the vice-president. sigh. are we all taking crazy pills?

into the pits of hell!

2006-02-17T08:48:00.000-05:00

that's where daddy's gone, thanks to mommy's recent trip to new brownexico (to visit her sister, the veryveryvery smart dr. terri who, despite the fact that she's veryveryvery smart, does tend to watch questionable programming from time to time). read all about mommy and daddy's plunge 4here3... and pray for them both.

"TV will never be a serious competitor for radio because people must sit and keep their eyes glued on a screen; the average American family hasn't time for it." ~ Author Unknown, from New York Times, 1939

evening mind f*cks headlines:

2006-02-16T17:41:00.000-05:00

read this then tell me: what the hell is wrong with people?

this is why i won't eat at mcdonalds. i won't.

and here's why i believe you should always be nice to the people who serve you food. always.

* * * * *

and finally... (and in order to end on a much nicer/ happier and more hopeful note...) for starbucks coffee lovers everywhere (busymom?!?) this contest is for you! (tho' i'm thinkin' you have to really lovelovelove starbucks coffee in order to do this, 'cuz it might be kind of ... ~~hard~~ ~~difficult~~ ~~arduous~~ ~~laborious~~ ~~burdensome~~ ~~toilsome~~ onerous!)

"It's like Khrushchev giving an interview to Pravda."~ CNN's Paul Begala on Dick Cheney's Fox News Channel interview (courtesy News Blues)

d'oh!

2006-02-16T08:12:00.000-05:00

i thought i was, perhaps, the only one amused/appalled by the whole vice president richard "dick-face" cheney shooting scandal, but, after reading this, i see i was wrongwrongwrong. which means, of course, that, by now, everything that can be said about the incident probably has been said. sigh. that means i have nothing much to talk about today. what to do? what to do? what to do?

when i'm in a situation like this, it's always tempting to just close up the old post-it window and, er, not post. but, that just doesn't seem right. instead, and because i need to laugh right this very minute, i've decided to share some of my most favorite homer simpson quotes of all times (some but not all). hopefully they will succeed in bringing a smile to your face, as well. (actually, i don't care if they do or if they don't, i know i'm laughing my ass off at the moment, and, isn't that all that really counts?)

homer simpsonisms

1. When someone tells you your butt is on fire, you should take them at their word.

2. There is no such thing as a bad doughnut.

3. There are many different religions in this world, but if you look at them carefully, you'll see that they all have one thing in common: They were invented by a giant, superintelligent slug named Dennis.

4. You should just name your third kid Baby. Trust me--it'll save you a lot of hassle.

5. You can have many different jobs and still be lazy.

6. Be generous in the bedroom--share your sandwich.

7. I've climbed the highest mountains . . . fallen down the deepest valleys . . . I've been to Japan and Africa . . . and I've even gone into space. But I'd trade it all for a piece of candy right now.

8. I made a deal with myself ten years ago . . . and got ripped off.

9. I may not be the richest man on earth. Or the smartest. Or the handsomest.

10. Never throw a butcher knife in anger.

11. A fool and his money are soon parted. I would pay anyone a lot of money to explain that to me.

12. My favorite color is chocolate.

13. The hardest thing I've had to face as a father was burying my own child. He climbed back out, but it still hurts.

14. If the Flintstones have taught us anything, it's that pelicans can be used to mix cement.

15. Son, when a woman says nothing's wrong, it means everything's wrong. When a woman says everything's wrong, it means everything's wrong. And when a woman says that something *isn't* funny, you'd better not laugh your ass off!

16. [drunk] See, the thing about my family is there are five of 'em: Marge, Bart, girl Bart, the one that doesn't talk, and the fat guy. Oh, how I loathe him.

17. Maybe, just once, someone will call me "sir" without adding, "you're making a scene."

18. Kids, just because I don't care doesn't mean I'm not listening

19. Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you?

20. Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try. Feeling stupid? I know I am.

21. Homer: You know, when I was a boy I really wanted a catcher's mitt, but my dad wouldn't get it for me. So I held my breath until I passed out and banged my head on the coffee table. The doctor thought I might have brain damage. Bart: Dad, what's the point of this story? Homer: I like stories.

22. Greetings, friend. Do you wish to look as happy as me? Well, you've got the power inside you right now. Use it, and send one dollar to Happy Dude, 742 Evergreen Terrace, Springfield. Don't delay. Eternal happiness is only a dollar away.

23. This is Homer Simpson, aka Happy Dude. The court is making me call everybody back and apologize for my telemarketing scam. I'm sorry. If you can find it in your heart to forgive me, send one dollar to Sorry Dude, 742 Evergreen Terrace, Springfield. You have the power.

(these next few quotes are dedicated to your vice-president and mine, richard "dick-face" cheney...has anyone ever noticed that if vice-president ~~dick-face~~ cheney ever lost weight he'd look a heck of a lot like mr. burns?)

Homer: When I held that gun in my hand, I felt a surge of power... like God must feel when he's holding a gun.

Homer: I'd kill you if I had my gun.

Homer: This gun has made me lose everything... my family, my friends, everything but my precious, precious gun.

Marge: You lied to me Homer. You told me you got rid of the gun. Homer: But Marge, I swear, I never thought you'd find out.

Homer: Lisa, if I didn't have this gun, the King of England could walk right in here and start pushing you around. [Homer starts pushing Lisa around] Homer: D'you want that? Huh? Do ya? Lisa: No...

Homer: I don't have to be careful. I have a gun.

* * * * *

and for fun... here are just a few more. (i promise)

Homer: How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy that gives those sermons in church? Captain What's-his-name. We live in a society of laws, why do you think I took you to see all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well I didn't hear anybody laughing. Did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Vroom. Beep. Honk. Honk. Ha-ha. Where was I? Oh yeah, stay out of my booze.

Dr. Joan Bushell: Every day I get up at 5:30, watch the chimps, eat a quick lunch of roots and water, then more chimpwatching. After dark, I come home and think about chimps until it's time for bed. Homer: You must be the most boring woman on Earth!

Homer's Brain: Use reverse psychology. Homer: Oh, that sounds too complicated. Homer's Brain: Okay, don't use reverse psychology. Homer: Okay, I will.

Homer: People will think what I tell them to think when you tell me what to tell them to think.

Homer: [Praying heavenward] I'm not normally a religious man, but if you're up there, save me, Superman!

Homer: [driving and singing to the tune of "The Flinstones" theme song] Simpson. Homer Simpson. He's the greatest guy in history. From the town of Springfield. He's about to hit a chestnut tree. Ahhhh! [crashes into the tree]

Homer: Save me Jeebus!

killer greenies??

2006-02-15T16:54:00.000-05:00

aieeeeeee! say it ain't so.

and... in other disturbing news: vice-president richard "dick-face" cheney has decided to "take responsibility" for the shooting. the shooting in which he, vice-president richard "dick-face" cheney, shot a 78 year old man. in the face. while they were out hunting. ~~dick-face~~ cheney says it was just "terrible". says he feels bad. says he'll never forget the sight of "his friend falling"-- and writhing in pain, which is what i imagine a 78 year old man would do if he had just been shot in the f*cking face by the vice-president of the united states and then had a heart attack as a result of being shot in the face by the f*cking vice-president of the united states! (hey! in case you've been dyin' to know what our illustrious vp sounds like when actually taking responsibility for anything, you can watch a clip of him doing just that here... oh, and as long as you're there, for a really good laugh scroll down and watch the clip entitled "meanwhile, back at the ranch" from the daily show (hands down the best show on the tv). trust me, you won't be sorry.)

is it just me, or is it more than a little disturbing that when katherine armstrong (the vp's huntin' buddy) told the press about the shooting, she also said that accidents like this are fairly common? i mean, i'm no fan, but gee whiz, richard "dick-face" cheney is the freaking vice-president of the freaking united states, for cryin' out loud, what if he had been shot? last time i looked, he has a heart condition, too.

finally, and as long as i'm on this subject... does anyone think this accident will have any effect at all on the bush administration's stance on gun control? anyone? anyone?

spring training...

2006-02-15T13:15:00.000-05:00

...starts today. and daddy's world is now complete. rah.

Baseball? It's just a game - as simple as a ball and a bat. Yet, as complex as the American spirit it symbolizes. It's a sport, business - and sometimes even religion. ~ Ernie Harwell, "The Game for All America," 1955

dear blogger-dot-com...

2006-02-15T09:45:00.000-05:00

i really wanted a relationship with you. and, lord knows, i've been trying for the past few months to do just that. really, i have. i mean, i find most of your templates pleasing and fairly simple to use. in addition, i appreciated the fact that signing up was such a snap! i was able to get my first post up immediately. i have, thus far, truly enjoyed this blogging experience. but if you don't get some of the stinkin' glitches out of your system soon, blogger-dot-bitch-dot-com, i'm afraid i'm gonna have to take my bloggery business elsewhere. here's just one, in a series of long and frustrating reasons why:

today, i tried to log on at 7:11 am... but was unable to do so until 10:03 am. i'm almost certain it should not take nearly 3 hours to log on any website, let alone, yours. i have cable access, for chrissake. but it did. then, just to make matters worse, it took another 10-15 minutes for me to access my "dashboard", and another 30-40 minutes to actually get into this page, in order to post. finally, when i was able to start writing, i typed my little heart out, only to have my worms dashed to their deaths on the bloggy rocks below when you, once again, shut the f*ck down. imagine my dismay as i had to endure another onslaught of error messages while desperately trying to save a few of my paultry worms to another page. by the time i got back to an actual posting page, i had completely forgotten what it was i wanted to say in the first place--tho' i do recall it was important and incredibly witty. i've never told you this before, but i am often what you might call, content challenged, so, as you might surmise, losing my worms on any given day is a huge pain in the ass. i don't like it. not one little bit. and don't even get me started on what it's like trying to download pictures and/or artwork... trust me, you do not want to go there.

please. for my sake, and for the sakes of... others who are not me, fix this shit. otherwise, i will have no recourse but to take the one reader who is devoted to me (and you know who you are, dadddy), step out onto the very big and very scary internet super highway, stick out my thumb, and accept a ride with the first agreeable blogging forum willing to pick me up. and i'll do it. oh yes i will. and, just so you know? i am thisclose to landing 4here3 so i can be near daddy, who's already cheating on you, 4here3. do us both a favor and get your act together, blogger-dot-screwing-with-my-fragile-nerves-dot-f*cking-dot-com, or this puppy-girl is history! history, i tell you... history!

"Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks." ~ Author Unknown

can ya smell the romance?

2006-02-14T17:30:00.000-05:00

that's what mommy had in mind for daddy today, the smell of romance. and that's why she oh-so-cleverly sent him two dozen long-stemmed red roses a few days before valentine's day. you see, thinking he'd be thrown off the trail, mommy had also ordered a lovely (or so she thought) bouquet of red tulips arranged in a cool glass vase with the word "love" etched on the side, which were to be delivered today, to daddy's office. doesn't that sound nice? mommy thought so. daddy, not so much. oh, he got the flowers all right. they did arrive today. and, they were arranged in a cool glass vase with the word "love" etched on the side. but they were also, dead (ish). not quite the message mommy meant to send.

meanwhile, back at the ranch, lo and behold! what should arrive for mommy? the gorgeous number you see over here ---4 those are live red tulips, my friends, along with mommy's most favorite of all flowers, irises. daddy also sent this lovely note. so...did my daddy do good, or what? too bad his reward for all this loving attention is likely to be... pizza. oh, don't get me wrong, mommy planned to get down to the store in order to prepare something delish for dinner, but somehow, she never made it. and, she's not about to go now. on the other hand... nothing "smells" romance like reallyreally good mexican take-out, right daddy?

"If I had a single flower for every time I think about you, I could walk forever in my garden." ~ Attributed to Claudia Ghandi

gosh...

2006-02-14T13:56:00.000-05:00

this story about the 78 year-old guy shot in the face over the weekend by birdshot gun-totin', quail-huntin', good ole boy, vice-president richard "dick-face" cheney just keeps getting better and better. now this poor guy's had a heart attack. holy shit. of course, can ya blame him? i mean, he was shot in the face by vice-president richard "dick-face" cheney, for cryin' out loud. by the way, for inquiring minds (like mommy) who wonder why it took so freaking long for the story to become public, read all about it, 4here3 and then, just for laughs, you can watch the way jon stewart covered the story last night on the daily show (best show on tv) 4her e3 (to watch the clip, click #2 with a bullet when you get to the site).

speaking of things that are scary... did anyone watch the 1st part of the westminster kennel club dog show last night? anyone? anyone? what's the deal with jill "i-used-to-sleep-with-matt-lauer-when-i-was-hot-and-probably-helped-break-up-his-first-marriage" rappaport? (and, no, that's not her picture on the right. she probably wishes it was, but it's not) is it just me, or is it lo-o-o-o-ong past time this aging too-old-and-hippy/wrinkled-to-be-hip former entertainment reporter hung up her long bimbo hair/leather jacket/tight pants? yikes! kind of seems like a cruel touch of irony that she's now covering a... dog show (albeit, a really big dog show).

okay... ya know what? i couldn't resist telling you about the vp shooting victim or the jill rappaport looks-reallyreally-scary stuff, but, since this day started out with love... that's the way i intend to leave it. i found this quote earlier today, and i'd now like to dedicate it to my daddy... because i can. happy valentine's day, daddy, i love you!

Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too. ~ Attributed to Greg, age 8 (only 1 more day 'til spring training starts, daddy! hooray! whee! yippee!)

ain't love grand?

2006-02-14T10:18:00.000-05:00

ah yes... valentine's day is alive and well and fairly bursting with lovelovelove in this house. seriously. mommy may have totally screwed up (or did she?) by sending daddy 2 dozen glorious long-stemmed red-roses 4 days early, but daddy is on his game of love! mommy couldn't figure out why in the wide wide world of sports it was taking daddy so long to come to bed last night... but it was clear he was up to romantic do-goodery when she got up this morning. first she was greeted with a lovely, syrupy, oh-my-gosh-how-beautiful card, which daddy had lovingly placed next to her face cream in the bathroom (so she'd be sure to see it right away). then, mommy found the gifts you see to to the right waiting for her when she came into the kitchen.

why do these items represent romance, and, therefore, translate into "love points", for mommy? well, i'll tell you. the first book, the davinci code, is something mommy and daddy have been joking about for the past 2 years, because they realize they are probably the only people in the free-world who have yet to read a single controversial-yet-apparently-riveting page from. now they will finally be able to join in conversations related to the book, and maybe even see the highly anticipated movie of the same title. actually, they love tom hanks, and they are huge fans of films directed by ron howard, so they're pretty sure they'd be seeing the movie anyway, but they're fairly certain their experience will be greatly enhanced after reading the book. (assuming they actually do so before the movie comes out!) shared humor/reading material = very romantic in mommy's book (heh heh...i said book. book? okay... stupid pun-ish play on words, perhaps, and yet, daddy will laugh!)

the other book, manhunt, by james l. swanson, will be especially interesting to mommy because it deals with the lincoln assasination. apparently mommy's been kind of into this period of history lately, since she just finished --and thoroughly enjoyed-- the march, by e.l. doctorow, and is currently attempting to plow through team of rivals, by doris kearns goodwin, which is about abraham lincoln, his presidency and cabinet. clearly, daddy's been paying attention, which, i probably don't need to add, scores major happy/romantic points with mommy.

as for the inxs cd? well, did i not just mention a few weeks ago that mommy and daddy were fans of that stupid show, rockstar inxs? try to keep up... it's silly, but very romantic for daddy to give mommy the cd featuring jd fortune (tho', does anyone think that's his real name?) the vocalist who won the competition for the coveted position of lead singer for the band, inxs (mommy and daddy were hoping marty or susie would win, but that's another story) because the cd is a lovely reminder that mommy and daddy had a lot of fun watching the show over the summer... pathetic, perhaps, but also very romantic, hence, another big score!

of course, for the record, i'd like to point out that daddy has never had a problem scoring romance points with mommy. i've been told that, when they were both working on some tv show in boston, daddy had flowers delivered to mommy's office every single week! and then, when they moved to chicago to work at a tv station there, he did the same thing!!! i don't know what mommy did/does to deserve all this attention. but i do know she adores it! and you thought i was the spoiled brat around here!

mommy has no idea what she ever did to deserve a man like daddy. he's wa-a-ay more thoughtful than she could ever hope to be--which is why, i guess, she loves him sooooo much! don't gag, but these two truly dote on each other (which would be a major problem if they didn't also lavish massive amounts of attention on me!) mommy and daddy are goofy and silly and comfortable and honest and loving and veryvery happy together. yep, theirs is the perfect marriage...a simple truth that is no more evident, to me at least, than on this day of hearts and flowers and love.

You have to walk carefully in the beginning of love; the running across fields into your lover's arms can only come later when you're sure they won't laugh if you trip. ~ Jonathan Carroll (Outside the Dog Museum)

gee.

2006-02-13T08:51:00.000-05:00

it's not that i want to keep talking about "stupid people", but did i just read that our very own vice-president richard "dick-face" cheney "accidentally" shot a man while hunting for ~~quayle~~ quail in south texas? sigh. i did. i might have to spend a few minutes thinking about that one. you can read the story for yourselves 4here3* perhaps we should all pause for a moment to ponder the larger ramifications of this event, then we can meet back up later today and discuss. by then maybe i'll also be able to talk about the record breaking blizzard of '06--which i thought was gonna be today's headline--as well. in the meantime, here are a few pictures (...of aforementioned blizzard effects, not man-shot-by-idiot-vice-president dick-face) to tide you over.

snow filled chair on back deck...

boy shoveling snow off deck (seriously... boy shoveling snow off deck...this is more amazing than you can ever know!)

bobo. sitting. in lots and lots of snow.

*okay... so the boy just told me this whole dick cheney shootin' up some dude thing happened yesterday (actually, it happened saturday, but the white house decided not to tell the media about it until yesterday--i guess to make sure the guy didn't die, or anything... or at least make sure everyone had their stories straight) anyway... where was i (yesterday), you ask? (i hear you asking) how the hell should i know? i can't keep track of myself 24/7 just so i can tell you where i've been. besides, what do you think i was up to? i sleep, i snack, i "do my business", i play outside with bobo, i yip at max, i follow mommy and/or daddy all over the house, and...i snack, i sleep. that's about it. besides, sometimes people miss things in the news, i mean, did i mention the blizzard of '06 that produced record breaking snow falls???

"A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water." ~ Carl Reiner

dalai bobo's...

2006-02-12T10:07:00.000-05:00

...thought for the week

"Meditation brings wisdom; lack of mediation leaves ignorance. Know well what leads you forward and what holds you back, and choose the path that leads to wisdom." ~ Buddha

the world is full...

2006-02-11T12:57:00.000-05:00

of really stupid people ...and many many many of them were at wholefoods yesterday at exactly the same time mommy was. one of them was the woman who tried to use her shopping cart to "nudge" mommy into the store a bit faster. yeah, stupid bleached-blonde bitch, i'm talkin' about you. that was my mommy you kept ramming into, even tho' there was no way in freakin' hell she could get inside the store any faster. and, that was my mommy who turned around and said excuse me ever so sweetly, not once, but twice, and to whom you just continued to glare...and ram. and, just so you know, that was my mommy who finally turned around and said i'm so sorry my ass keeps getting in the way of your cart.

another stupid--and oh-so-annoying--person, in mommy's humble opinion, is michael "yer doin' a heck of a job brownie" brown... the former head of fema. so stupid. so annoying. and never more so than yesterday, during the senate hearings, as he once again tried to avoid taking even the tiniest amount of responsibility for what happened after hurricane katrina. what a f*ck face. here's the tiniest of excerpts from salon.com:

Brownie turns the tables

George W. Bush and his homeland security chief are learning one of life's little lessons today: Hell hath no fury like a FEMA director scorned.

In testimony before the Senate today, Michael Brown said that he has been made a "scapegoat" for the federal government's flawed response to Katrina -- and that the real culprits are Michael Chertoff, the Department of Homeland Security and the White House itself. Brown said that "policies implemented by the DHS put FEMA on a path to failure" long before Katrina struck New Orleans. Once the storm hit and the levees failed, Brown said, Chertoff's DHS "saw an opportunity to assert itself, as it always tried to do in FEMA operations, which slowed things down."

blahblahblabitty blah... and then, this:

Brown said that he cried in his hotel room during the early days of Katrina, frustrated by the failure of the federal government to deliver the help he knew it was capable of providing. Asked whether the Bush administration was making him the fall guy for Katrina, Brown said, "I certainly feel abandoned." As for the president, Brown said: "Unfortunately, he called me 'Brownie' at the wrong time. Thanks a lot, sir."

poor poor michael "yer doin' a heck of a job brownie" brown. he cried. boo hoo. wonder if that was before or after he sent those blackberry messages about dogsitters and/or his nifty nordstrom's outfit? i'm sorry, clearly the bush administration dropped the hurricane relief ball from the get-go, but does anyone for one second think that michael "yer doin' a heck of a job brownie" brown is fault free? the last time he testified, if mommy's memory serves correctly, he blamed state and local officials in louisiana for the lack of a timely response in relief efforts. of course, i guess we can't blame this guy for trying to save his stupid f*ck face, after all, he is trying to start up an emergency response consultation business. and, i'm guessing, if anyone thought he had anything to do with that mess in new orleans after hurricane katrina, why, they'd have to be stupid to hire him, right?

but enough of that. (i'm sick of him, and i bet you are, too). besides, as long as i'm on the topic of "stupid people", i think it important to note that mommy's feeling pretty stupid herself at the moment. and, i hate to say it, but, she should. you see, yesterday, she decided it would be a nice romantic gesture to send daddy 2 dozen long-stemmed red roses for valentine's day, along with a box of chocolates. only, she forgot to pay attention the the delivery date, so the flowers and candy were delivered yesterday. friday. to daddy's office. about an hour before daddy left work to come home. which means the gorgeous and veryvery expensive 2 dozen long-stemmed ruby red roses will be sitting in daddy's cold, dark office all f*cking weekend. i mean, how stupid is that? i'll tell you how stupid it is. it's so stupid i can't think about it right now, let alone talk about it. it's just too much stupidity for one little puppy-girl to process. it makes my brain hurt.

"The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits." ~ Albert Einstein

uninspired.

2006-02-10T18:20:00.000-05:00

unmotivated.

undone by the fact that the last 4 episodes of arrested development are on tonight. (stupid f*cking folks at fox.) mommy and daddy are unhappy. which means, of course, that i am, too. however, unwilling to be too depressed and/or unglued. unable to skip dinner. seems quite... unnecessary.

and yes, i realize this post is incredibly unimpressive, and completely unacceptable. (did i mention i'm uninspired?) hope this won't make me too unpopular. also hope by tomorrow i'll write in a more unfettered fashion. unplugged, as it were. surely i'll feel less uncreative. until then, i'd like to think this post will not be... unforgettable.

Lucille: [Complaining about a gay boat protest upstaging her husband's retirement party] "Everything they do is so dramatic and flamboyant. It just makes me want to set myself on fire." ~ from Arrested Development

gasp! love monkey...

2006-02-09T18:53:00.000-05:00

...cancelled?

those bastards! daddy just gave me that update. cbs has cancelled... love monkey. ripped that puppy right out of their schedule. crap. well, truth be told... mommy & daddy understand (kind of) why cbs has "pulled" love monkey from its schedule. it did need some work... some re-tooling (those stupid hats they kept putting on tom cavanaugh, for one thing). but, cancelled? after 3 freaking episodes?? what's up with that? did it not get gonzo ratings after three whole weeks? no?? gee. imagine that. give me a break. it's insanity. insanity, i tell you, insanity! this is exactly the reason mommy hates working in television. one minute you're the executive producer of a network television show, and before you can say f*cking network executives, your show is cancelled to make room for an aaron f*cking spelling f*cking soap f*cking opera full of big-f*cking-boobed babes in f*cking bikinis. f*ck 'em all. who needs them, anyway? (bitter? mommy? oh no...not at all)

okay... here's the real truth... the worst thing about love monkey's cancellation is the fact that i now have no excuse to write the words love monkey. seriously. i'm gonna miss that.

what did i say about "great minds"?

2006-02-09T10:28:00.000-05:00

not that i want to brag, mind you, but did ya happen to catch 4the colbert report3 on comedy central last night? if so, did ya notice that he played the exact same clip i linked you to, yesterday? well, he did. am i a timely little news hound, or what?!? tee hee (it actually runs in the family, but we won't speak of that just now.) oh, and just so you know, mommy thought attorney general alberto gonzalez looked/sounded even more idiotic on the big-ass screen hdtv than he did on the computer, if that's possible. fortunately, since mommy and daddy's bellies were swollen from their gourmet meal of fritos and vegetarian chili, mommy was unable to mutter anything unprintable under her breath without belching first, so she held her tongue.

okay, since i started chatting about tv (kind of... technically... shut up) i'd like to take a moment to say something about one of mommy and daddy's favorite shows, gray's anatomy. no, not that sunday's episode was pretty dang kick-ass... and no, not that the real dr. mcdreamy, in mommy's book, is 4isaiah washington3 aka dr. burke (hubba hubba is all i'm gonna say on that). no i'm interested to know if anyone besides mommy, daddy, and mommy's sister (the veryveryvery smart dr. terri) has noticed that 4ellen pompeo3 aka meredith gray is not nearly as cute this season as she was last year. did i say cute? i meant... well, actually, i did mean cute. has she lost weight? did her lips shrink? doesn't her hair conditioner work any more? where's that spark, that... joie de vivre that made her so freakin' special? (name-drop alert! boy #2 waited on ellen pompeo a couple of times when he worked at starbucks... he said she was pretty darn cute in person. but, now that i think about it for a tick or two... that was last year!) anyway, is she suffering from calista flockhart, aka ally mcbeal, disorder? ('member? ally mcbeal was cutecutecute... then, she wasn't) inquiring minds want to know. actually, mommy wants to know, because i could truly give a rat's ass about any of this shit.

as long as i'm on the subject of tv (and, apparently, i am)... then let me just say this about... love monkey. mommy and daddy still think it's a work in progress. that said, they also think the amazing 4teddy geiger3 (who plays an aspiring singer/songwriter on the show) is destined for major stardom. apparently the folks at love monkey do, too, since they've taken his bio off their website (egos, people, it's all about egos). tom cavanaugh's not gonna seem so cute to mommy if they keep that shit up. and that's all i have to say about that. oh, but do click on teddy geiger's name (above) and take a listen... brilliant! 17 years old. can you believe it? mommy's two big boys are 21 and 25... they play video games. and sleep.

alrighty then! we shall speak no more of tv... altho' i should probably mention that, when she went out to new mexico to visit her sister, mommy was forced to watch a few shows she and daddy never watch, like, american idol (okay, they used to watch "idol", but haven't for the past 2 years. they loved rockstar inxs, and are hoping that somehow it might return next summer. pity them. they need it.). she also saw what not to wear, dr. phil, and dancing with the stars. unfortunately, mommy wants to watch dancing with the stars again, because, she now wants to see if lisa rinna's lips have gotten any bigger. (mommy thinks ms. rinna is completely adorable, but should consider donating her top lip to ellen pompeo, who could really use it).

ack! look at the time. apparently i've been running on for quite a little while about all this who-gives-a-shit-bitch-gossipy stuff. sorry about that. won't happen again. well... actually, it might. i mean i'll be happyhappyhappy to tell you about anything mommy and daddy do that's even remotely interesting. but, by now it should be abundantly clear, the chances of that happening are slim...and none.

"I could have been a doctor, but there were too many good shows on TV." ~Jason Love

stupid day...

2006-02-08T08:01:00.000-05:00

7:20 am: mommy hops out of bed, pulls on her sweatpants and socks, and takes us all outside.

7:23 am: after much yipping, mommy lets us all back in the house & doles out the mandatory morning greenies.

7:55 am: daddy calls to let mommy know that he's just walked into his office and is ready to start another day of workworkwork in order to support mommy in the fashion to which she has become ever so accustomed.

8:20 am: mommy tries to wake up boy #2, who swore up one side and down the other last night that he would, indeed, get up in time to help mommy with her errands.

8:21 am: boy #2 grunts, opens up one eye, says huh? and goes back to sleep.

8:22 am: mommy mutters something unprintable under her breath and races down the hall back into her bedroom, where she discovers, upon looking in the mirror, she looks like a homeless bag lady, and cannot possibly go anywhere until she can get herself looking more presentable.

8:26 am: mommy suddenly remembers there are several loads of laundry in need of washing, drying, and folding, so she races downstairs to do a bit of each. these are not mommy's clothes, mind you, but they do stink and they are in dire need of attention. she considers tossing them into the trash, but remembers that all the money daddy's earning would then have to be spent on new clothes for the boy, and what the hell has he done lately to deserve new clothes, the ungrateful little shit?, so she continues washing/drying/folding all the while muttering unprintable things under her breath.

8:59 am: mommy makes a gallant effort to fix herself up with a bit of blush and lip gloss all the while hoping her sunglasses and a hat will compensate for the lack of eye makeup and totally funky hair on her head. they don't, but it doesn't matter. she has to go.

9:19 am: taking the back roads to greenwich, mommy is dismayed to see said back roads blocked off by numerous fire trucks. mommy turns around and tries another back route... then calls the vet to say we're running late. the vet says that's okay, but they can no longer see us today. mommy mutters something unprintable under her breath, turns completely around, and heads east, towards fairfield.

10:12 am: battling traffic and a vomiting max, mommy finally pulls up to the groomer's, and, after getting us out of the car, hauls us all inside, where we wait for the groomer to finish dealing with a man who has 5 (count 'em five) filthy -tho'-cute bichons. finally, bobo, max, and i are taken to our respective groomers and mommy heads back towards her favorite starbucks in westport, where she plans to treat herself to a triple-grande-soy-no-whip-mocha.

10:32 am: at starbuck's, a lady in front of mommy is holding a list filled with scribbles that, apparently, translate into no fewer than 10 fancy-schmancy-chai-latte-bullshit-somethings... it takes for-freakin'-ever for this lady to order. mommy stands behind the lady and, while waiting, mutters something unprintable under her breath.

10:57 am: driving back towards stamford, triple-grande-soy-no-whip-mocha firmly in her grasp, mommy is shocked to discover there is no gas in her car. she wonders if she'll make it to the gas station... she wonders if either boy would bother answering the phone if she had to call them in an emergency. then... she laughs and laughs and laughs! for, of course, that would never happen. she wills her car to keep going... and, thankfully, it does. she spends $45 filling the tank. finally, muttering something unprintable under her breath, she pulls away. her triple-blahblahblah-mocha is cold. she is pissed. she goes home.

11:27 am: boy #2 is still in bed. boy #1 is only just getting up. fuzzybutt has pee'd all over the kitchen floor. when fuzzybutt starts to beg for food (as he tends to do every 10 minutes or so), mommy realizes she will still have to go to greenwich today, because there is no more cat food in the house, and since fuzzy is on a special diet (for kidney failure) she has to get it from the vet. she mutters something unprintable under her breath, tries to avoid fuzzy's angry glare, and makes a noble effort to clean all the cat pee off the floor.

12:31 pm: mommy suddenly has an epiphany. why does she waste her days with such meaningless falderal, when she could go back to work and do something more fulfilling than cleaning up after dogs, cats, and boys? she used to have a fantastic career... why not have one, again! get out of the house! make shit-loads of money! spend time around people who expect more from her than clean clothes and cash. this seems like a fine idea, until mommy remembers how annoying it is to actually have to go to work everyday.

1:15 pm: mommy takes herself out for a nice long invigorating walk, in hopes of knocking some sense back into her own head.

2:29 pm: mommy gets back from her walk and feels a whole lot better. then, boy #2 gets up. i thought you were gonna wake me up early he says. i did she says. well... er... ah... can you still lend me some money? he asks. no says mommy. well, ah, er... will you still give me a ride into greenwich? mommy decides she doesn't want to do that, either. so she asks boy #1 to do it, instead. boy #1 is willing, despite the fact that he's tired after a day of doing nothing. mommy resists the urge to mutter anything under her breath.

3:41 pm: knowing her day will soon be complete, mommy heads back to fairfield, in order to pick us up.

5:42 pm: we all get back, and mommy does, much to her chagrin, more laundry. she notices that boy#2 has yet to put away any of the stuff he promised to put away over 2 weeks ago. she also realizes there's nothing in the house to fix for dinner.

6:01 pm: mommy remembers that, despite the banality of this particular chaotic day, overall, she's a happyhappy girl with a happyhappy life. as such, she pledges not to mutter anything unprintable under her breath for the rest of the evening. however, when she watches 4this3, (courtesy crooksandliars.com) and is reminded that idiots are running her government, hence; her country, hence; her (mostly) happyhappy way of life, all bets are off. (be sure to click on "video" when the window opens, and turn the speaker on, too) sigh...

* * * * *

ps...normally, this is the day i'd be talkin' about sunday nite's episode of gray's anatomy, or last nite's house, or (and this is a big or) love monkey. as you can see, i've elected not to do that. i don't know why. however, i think daddy may have a word or two on one or two of the aforementioned programs, if anybody's interested. and, ya know... daddy doesn't whine nearly as much as mommy does, so why not check him out 4here3.

"Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. Tomorrow I'll probably still be a dog. Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement." ~ Charles M. Schulz

another reason...

2006-02-07T17:19:00.000-05:00

for mommy's sister (and brother-in-law and maxxy) to get the hell out of ~~dodge~~ las cruces, new mexico... soon. reallyvery soon. reallyveryfreakin'veryvery soon. at least that's what mommy thinks after she discovered this while perusing another blog (okay, it was dave barry's crummy-but-often-pretty-entertaining little blog... if you have to know, and apparently you did.). not that rocket racing doesn't sound cool, mind you, but it also sounds... noisy. and, correct me if i'm wrong, but can all that rocket activity be good for the environment? last time i looked, the desert's eco-system was fragile... it's probably difficult for all those desert critters to maintain an up-beat attitude when surrounded by so much brown every stinking day of their miserable lives, doncha think? imagine the havoc that will be wreaked upon their very souls once the games begin. i sense an uprising of catastrophic proportions! armadillos marching arm in arm with tarantulas & coyotes! roadrunners racing ahead of the fray using acme bazookas to lob scorpions into the gathered masses of rocket race revelers. the only thing that might save 'em all will be those aliens who've been hiding out in area 51 all these years. on the other hand, those f*ckers probably have some pretty awesome rockets of their own. yep. mommy's sister better git the hell outta new mexico while the gittin's still good. that's my story, and i'm stickin' with it.

skating with celebrities...*

2006-02-07T09:32:00.000-05:00

* snipey bitch alert...

mommy and daddy do not watch this television program. and they don't want to. but, after catching a blurb on cnn this morning about one of the "better" skaters on the hit fox show, mommy had to laugh and laugh and laugh! that's because mommy thinks it's veryvery funny that someone she not only knows, but worked with many years ago, is considered on of the "better" celebrity skaters in the competition. who's that, you ask? jillian barberie (aka jillian warry). and just why is this funny to mommy? because, in her youth, jillian was a competitive ice skater in canada, which seems, at least to mommy, an obvious advantage in a show where part of the fun (or so she's heard) is watching celebrities move outside their comfort zone in order to entertain the masses.

mommy is familiar with jillian's past because she (mommy) created and produced a news segment in miami for jillian to appear in, which took advantage of jillian's unique athletic abilities and unbeliveably bawdy sense of humor (jillian's bio says she reported for another of mommy's segments, but that's pretty much a lie from the pits of hell, because mommy can only remember allowing jillian to appear in the segment once or twice...but i digress). mommy used to crack up every time she'd go out on a shoot with jillian, because she (jillian) would blahblahblah so much and so fast, and say so many inappropriate things during tapings, that it was often a big challenge for mommy to find one or two usable phrases out of the hours and hours of tape that would be shot for each of the weekly pieces. mommy was always grateful for the team of highly specialized editors she worked with, because those guys kicked serious video ass! since they were capable of creating video magic, despite the verbal manglings.

of course, mommy has no way of knowing whether or not jillian's former life has ever been mentioned--she assumes it has been--and, she figures good for jillian... (she really does). mommy's not bitter at all that the bimbo she was forced to turn into an articulate tv personality now has recurring brushes with fame. mommy thinks it's great fun that a woman who must be, what, 49? 57? 62? whatever. mommy thinks it's great that an older woman can still look so damn good in a crop top and tight jeans that she continues to be regarded as a sex ~~object~~ symbol by pimply-faced adolescent boys. okay... so mommy's own not-so-pimply-faced boys think jillian's hot, too. but that's beside the point, if i had a point... which i don't.

alrighty then... i think the time has come for me to toss mommy in the shower. as far as i can tell she really needs to wash some of this bitchiness off before it sets in... trust me, she's not usually so snarky, and, with god as my witness, she'll never be so again! or, maybe she will, but you won't have to hear about it. tho', maybe you will. ya know, basically, it all boils down to my own level of bitchiness on any given day. my blog, my call.

"My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am." ~ Author Unknown